good baselines

I'm so happy to report that my body seems to be back to normal!! My temp is more even and not all over the place anymore like it was since January. Yippeeee!!!

Hopefully this makes conceiving a bit easier for us.

My Chart

Nausea

ugh, i forgot how crappy i felt when i used to take pre-natals (DuetDHA). I just started them up again yesterday, and I heeded the advice given to me way-back-when and I'm taking them at night before bed.

It could be coincidental that I'm feeling ill at the same time I started taking the vitamins, or maybe I am getting a stomach virus.

My travel agent just told me her and her hubby and kids all got the swine flu and she's still recovering. Nice, eh?

31 weeks.

Was just thinking about becoming active again on Justmommies.com -- checked my email related to that account and saw an update on my pregnancy (the one that didn't last).

It read:

Your pregnancy week 31

You are now in week 31 of your pregnancy.
Your Due Date : August 21st

This week your not-so-little miracle is getting closer to the four pound mark and is now nearly 17 inches in length. The fat's still rolling in quite steadily and will continue to do so for the next weeks. And you're probably getting your first taste of Braxton-Hicks contractions now and then, but don't worry, they're false contractions. How 'bout your leaky boobs? Not fun eh? Check out our full length article for more discussion of how to handle this final phase of pregnancy.

Wow, that hit me hard. "Final phase of pregnancy" -- only 2 more months to go.

It's okay, I'm okay, at least that's what I tell myself. I honestly can't believe how much time has gone by. A lot has changed in my life. I have lots of depressing times since the D&C, but I feel I'm as recovered as I'll ever be. I haven't been back to my psychologist since I left my job either. I didn't need the anti-depressants, I just needed to leave that hostile environment. We are ready. Ready for the next step. We are looking at things differently. I fear that we will both become a little paranoid during the early stages of our next pregnancy, with good reason. Knowing there is little we can do in the beginning, it's still hard to have no control. But it's okay, the end result will be worth it.

I'm ready. ---

Today AF arrived. Now my 'fertile' week will be before we go to hawaii, but that is okay, we'll just try and have-at-it as much as possible before my next AF.

I'm back down to a 34 day cycle and I am elated about that! -- how funny, to get back to semi-normal for me and then possibly have this be my last period?

Fingers crossed... let the games begin!

Yippeeee!

My last 2 cycles were over 40days -- (because of D&C).

Finally!! I'm starting to get back to normal, which means, once again, it will take some time to figure out what's going on with my bod, like when I will be 'fertile' and schtuff like that. I will start temping soon, b/c.... I started spotting today and period should be here tomorrow!!

I've had major PMS issues lately and breaking out and cramps. Joy! A 33day cycle! WOO HOO!!!

N.Korea... what the fock.

The majority of my family resides in Hawaii. So, I'm not too happy about what I just heard.

"North Korea may fire a long-range ballistic missile toward Hawaii in early July"

"The missile launch could come between July 4 and 8, given the North's propensity to launch on U.S. holidays. July 8 is also the anniversary of former leader's Kim Il Sung's death."

I'm hoping Cartwright is right.

"In Washington on Tuesday, Gen. James Cartwright, vice chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said it would take at least three to five years for North Korea to pose a real threat to the U.S. west coast."

Read the rest here.

Reunion + Fertility = fun!!!

I find it very -- intriguing -- that our vacation to Hawaii (July 16-26) encompasses the entire 8 days that TCOYF predicts for fertility (Low to High and Ovulation).

Oh joy!

Though many of our friends are 'assuming' we are going to try and get 'lucky' on our vacation, we try to reassure them that we really have no plan to get pregnant. Like no set time to try again. So I leave it to the blog-world only ... That IS the week we are going to try again. So, come what may, I'll always have this world to share my trials and tribs with. Whether or not anyone still reads it!!!

Ah, I've stopped checking my BBT every morning b/c my temp was always all over the place after the D&C in Jan. I hated it. I'm not sure if I'm back to normal, but my cycles are still pretty long comparatively to before getting PG.

I hadn't realized that it's almost July and I should've started taking my prenatal vitamins again. OOPSI!

I was on DuetDHA -- but I'm considering some other options. Maybe something from a more natural source? I need to look into it. Something over the counter, maybe.
I'm not sure yet. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!

Anyway, here's hoping we get pregnant during my next cycle. CHEERS!!!!

O M G - sooo psyched!!!

One day, my younger sis and I were bored and decided we'd go see a movie. There was nothing out that we wanted to see, but there was this movie, Twilight, playing and we heard a lot of rave. We figured, what the hell, let's check it out.

Lo & Behold, Renee, like almost every other straight girl, became obsessed with 'The Edward'. I wound up buying her a life-size Edward cut out for her bedroom. heh heh. ;-)

I have to admit, I think he is hot. I didn't see it at first, but as the movie went on, ... HOT. That's all I have to say.

Anyway, Mike got me a Kindle2 for my birthday in May and I've been reading like crazy. I decided to take up the Twilight Saga, and right now I'm reading Eclipse (the 3rd book in the series). I can't wait to see the New Moon movie coming out in November. OMG!!! I am becoming more and more obsessed as time goes on. I bought the movie last month and have watched it 4 times. AHH What is wrong with me? I don't think I've ever been so 'into' something like this.

Sooo, I've been wanting to take a girl trip alone with my sister, and I was thinking Tennessee. I always wanted to go to Nashville and also to Memphis/Graceland. Renee was thinking a girls weekend shopping and luxury in upstate New York. And then *DING DING DING!!!!* We thought. "Hey, let's go to Forks!!!" (the place where Twilight movie takes place.) It's in Washington State and it's a real place and totally affordable, and omg, i want to go so friggen bad now!!!!

So it's on. Halloween weekend, tentatively. Psyched psyched psyched!!! There are cheap Twilight tours, there is the La Push beach, the Swan's house and we can even stay on Quileute River! Problem is, that time of year it's like 30-40 degrees out, while it's 50-60 here. I don't do well in the wet and cold -- OOOOOh just like BELLA!!! hahaha.

Okay, I'm obsessing way to much. I can't wait to plan this trip, no matter when it happens, it WILL happen.

boudoir...

I had did a boudoir photography session with Kamila Harris last year.
Got a photo album of some shots made and gave to Mike as a wedding gift.

I just stopped by her boudoir site today... and looky looky



I'm on the homepage slideshow. Nice!

Not in love with that particular photo.. I remember my straps being all tangled, and it was a HOT day...but, I still love the way she shot everything and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the photos I got out of it all.

ahhhhhh

having eczema on your hands sucks!!!

I have it on my palms... it only gets aggravated when wet, usually in warm to hot water. So I avoid hot/warm water as much as I can except when showering.

I was just rinsing some chicken, in cold water, and now my hands have hundreds of little tiny cuts on them ... looks like tons of tiny paper cuts ... and they are red, swollen and itchy!!!

SAVE ME before i scratch my skin off!!!!

Wedding pics...

just posting a slideshow, I know these are old (from October 2008) LOL.

These are just a few of the proofs. I STILL have to pick out the ones we want in the book AHHH! We are procrastinators.

Soprano's

O.M.G. -- somebody shoot me now!

There is drama in my family -- the italian side is surely coming out.

My dad's side of the family is Italian/German. I have one Aunt, Uncle, Cousin on my dad's side. That is all. Why? B/C back when I was little-r and my Great G-Ma died, all kinds of drama went down. Then, the family stopped talking to each other. All that was left for 'us' was my Dad and his sister.

My mom is 100% Japanese. I have to say - little drama, comparatively at least. Throughout my mom and dad's marriage my mom was always trying to please my dad. Anything he wanted, she'd jump and satisfy. As wrong as it sounds, I'm sure she satisfied in that way too. eck..next

My mom and dad got divorced when I was in college. Fun times I tell ya. Anyway, I saw the darker side of things through that process, and being the age I was, I was super analytical. I started thinking back to my childhood and things that happened and realizing they were all signs of a dysfunctional family leading to divorced parents.

I saw a side of my mom I hadn't really noticed before. Damn was she spiteful... some of that spitefulness ran off onto my older sis who... in her angst and hatred for my dad wanting to leave, untied all his ties (they were all pre-tied b/c he doesn't know how to tie them himself) and took all the shoe laces out of his shoes. My mom was okay with that. Lovely. I tried my best to not get involved and I was pretty much in the middle. I understand why my mom was upset, and I understood why my dad wanted a divorce albeit I didn't like the way he went about it. Nonetheless, life went on and the drama ensued.

Which brings us to now, 7 years later. My parents are divorced and still extremely bitter towards each other. My older sister, still spiteful. Never liked my now step-mother. I am the mediator, for reals. Like you wouldn't believe. Everyone telling me their side of the story, trying to get me to understand their perspective. Me trying to be unbiased. I understand where everyone is coming from, but some people just have their thoughts all jumbled and wrong. What they think of the other persons actions are totally skewed. No one thinks anyone can do anything nice for each other...and if they do, they make up some excuse to continue to dislike the other person. AHHHH I can try and try and try to make them see the way things really are, and that they are all shiny and good, and when I get to that point, I become the bad person, siding with the opposition. AHHH

My older sis is trying to plan her daughters 6th bday party. She lives with my mom since she too is divorced and raising a child on her own (mostly). My mom, due to a recent court thingy with my dad, has said that there is NO WAY she will allow 'that man' to step foot in her house. Not even for her granddaughter's birthday. I... do not blame her for this. She needs her space and catering to someone that you are having a bitter court battle with, is just not a good idea. It will not keep the sanity in check.

My older sister who, let me remind you, is not on my dad's 'side' and dislikes my step-mother, is mad at my mother, for not thinking of her granddaughter first. She thinks my mom is in the wrong for not letting her have a family party at her house. 'Cause I mean, "How Dare She?!"
Ugh. So... I chat with my older sis on facebook and I get the F-bombs thrown at me left and right, and "She's a bitch" and "He's and ass" and "why can't they grow up" and here I am thinking... 'Who needs to grow up?'

NEXT TOPIC - Family Reunion

My Aunt (dad's sister) wants to go to Hawaii with us this year for our family reunion. I was psyched at the notion that my non-japanese relatives wanted to go! YAY!!! How fun!!

My dad and his now-wife were not happy to hear the news. My aunt purposely went to them to let them know 'gently' -- i guess and they just weren't having it.

My step-mom approached me because I "am the mediator" and I "would understand". Right. Okay. She told me she wasn't happy because "We don't have much family, she is the only family your dad has besides you guys (meaning me and me sisters)" ... and "he is really good at closing people out of his life".

Okay, so was that a hint? Does he plan on closing someone out of his life if they take a trip with his daughters and his ex-wife just happens to be there .. b/c.. you know -- she is his daughters mother? And -- okay, so you don't have much family left, does that mean the family that you do have has to cater to your every wish? Does this mean, YOU are supposed to be the most important part of family to them?? Geez, talk about bitterness and spitefulness.

Now, my aunt still hasn't gotten back to us on whether or not she will be attending the reunion, I am assuming -- it will be a no go. Last year my dad and step-mom closed her off from themselves b/c my aunt had defended us (me and my sisters) in front of my step-mom and it was just SO WRONG OF HER to do that. That pissed me off. Let me also just say, my step-mom is one of those 'privileged' people. She married a wealthy man, and then divorced him. She and my dad live in a 'ritzy' town that we will call 'Richcity' just for kicks. She likes to mention it all the time.

Me: "Oh neat, your highschool has a crew team...ours didn't"

Step-mom: "Well that's because this is Richcity, of course we have one, we do things a little differently here... C'mon, you should know that"

Are you kidding me? What the heck am I supposed to say to that?

Honestly, when I sat to write this, I thought I could fit it all into a small paragraph/blurb...but that totally didn't happen, so that is my rant.

Drama, drama, drama...

I can't deal. Yet...if I ignore and don't listen - I will become the bitch. Not my problem, I guess, but with all this spitefulness, you never know.

BTW -- I think this blog is going to wind up going private. There are too many prying eyes out there.

Oh Yay!

I got some positive recognition back from my mama today.
I have been going a bit insane with worry about people really caring what I do with the photos I receive from my family.
I think that they think the scrapbook is just going to be a random collection of photos of the family, but, what I meant by scrapbook...is just that ... a scrapbook.

Here is an example of my first 2 pages :0)


My mom was cracking up on the phone b/c she was so excited. She wants to surprise everyone, b/c they all think it's a silly little photo album. So I can't share the images with family...so I post them here, since family doesn't really have access to this blog. (or at least I hope they don't!!)

YAY! Now I have my motivation to continue doing what I was doing!!

creeping & linking

my cycle is ever so slowly creeping back down ... last cycle was 41d, this one was 39. I enjoy not having a period every 26 days, don't get me wrong... but I also like being predictable.

Anyway, enough about that.

My family is having a big family reunion in July in Hawaii! YAY! I'm so lucky to have family from Hawaii...

My job - is to gather photos from all the relatives and put them together in a scrapbook form and then have 27 copies made for the 27 families that will be attending.

JOY!

I took engagement photos of my sister and fiance and wanted a nice way to give them to her, rather than the traditional 4x6's that she can get anywhere, so... I found the perfect way.

BLURB.COM, my friends, is the best thing EVER!

Those of you who are familiar with digital scrapbooking know too well the pricy-ness of printing your artwork. Though you do wind up saving a ton of cash by not buying ANY scrapbooking supplies, the whole point of going digital is to have more flexibility and SAVE $$$$$.

Blurb is the most inexpensive COOL way to make a book of images. It's the cheapest one I've found ANYWHERE, and that includes walmart, and other photo printing stores.

Blurb limits your creative freedom, only a little bit, but if you're just making a photo album, it's for you. There are tons of photo layouts to choose from.

You can also take your entire blog and put it in book form with images... Blurb helps you do that!

I own Serif's Digital Scrapbooking Artist. I am using it to make my pages look more like a scrapbook. I am creating a 7x7 book at Blurb, so in DSA I create 7inx7in pages and just add pics, embellishments, backgrounds, special effects and text. Save the entire page as 1 jpeg and then upload it to blurb. VOILA! I have a page. You can also do this in any photo editing program (i.e. Photoshop), which I do also, but DSA is very point-and-clicky, so it makes things QUICK.

Pricing : the 7x7 books are $12.95 for 20-40 pages! HOW COOL!

Anyway, I did do this for my sister and her fiance, a 70 page 8x11 book filled with over 100 photos. Some pages had more than one photo, some pages were just 1 huge photo. It came out amazing and for under $30?! YOU CAN'T GO WRONG.

Okay, so I sound like i'm trying to sell Blurb, but I'm not, it's just so great, that I want everyone to know about it!

The stress of taking my own creative freedoms with everyone's photos is a bit much. I don't know what they are expecting from me, but I'm doing what I want. Muuuhahahahaha.

29

Weird.

I have this thing with getting older, I really don't mind it, b/c getting older means more experience and time to grow with people. I want to grow old with my husband. I don't want to stay young forever. Don't get me wrong though, b/c I sure as hell don't want to die anytime soon either.

There are numbers that freak me out. Something about them is just not fun. It's usually odd numbers that I don't like. So when I was 23 - a lot of things happened in my life. Not necessarily good ones. And when I was 25 -- I was so depressed on the day of my birthday. Not b/c I was getting older but because I was 25. There is not real logic to it. Then 27 was very awkward... I LOVE being 28. That's one of my favorite numbers and if I could say that I am 28 for the rest of my life, I would be a happy person. Maybe I can just go forward saying... I'm 28+1. Or I'm 28+2 and so on. That wouldn't be so bad!

When I was younger, I had this plan. A life map, so to speak. I started dating a guy when I was 18 (1998) and it was serious. We got engaged and were supposed to be married in 2004. I broke it off in 2003. We had planned to get married in 2004 when I was 24, so that we could get pregnant and I could have my first kid when I was 25. B/c hell, I didn't want to be an 'old mom'.

Man, was I naive. To think back then it would even be so easy to get pregnant and have it stick and life would go according to plan. Needless to say, I DID break it off and my life plan went to the wayside. It was very unnerving, since I like things planned out. But, I got over it after time.

I would love to have a baby or one on the way by my 30th bday, which would mean I'd have to get pregnant at the latest..by September.

We do plan to 'try again' in July -- so we'll see how that goes, if we don't get pregnant, it's not a big deal. I can bank my whole life around a plan -- no one can predict the future, and if I don't have a baby by the time I'm 30, I'm sure it will hit me something fierce, but 30 is young. It's not as old as it used to be when I was 18.



Mother's Day was a hit at my house. Good times were had. My husband and I have lived in our home for almost 5 years and we've only had family over for dinner twice, and that includes Mother's Day. We are SOOOO bad. We have friends over all the time though for parties ;-)

It was nice having my mom, both sisters, my cousin and my niece here to cater to. It was a lot of prep work, I definitely prefer not being the host when it comes to dinner parties though ;-). Got my mom a new Printer/Copier/Scanner/Fax thing b/c her last one had a fit due to all the wedding invitation and other shit we printed for my wedding last year. LOL. This one should hold up, and I hope it does, b/c I plan on using it when I do the invites and other stationery work for my sisters wedding next June!

I also got her a metal napkin holder with a bird on it. Got it from the Hallmark near me.



The sell it at the store but not at hallmark online. It got it for about $16 and I LUB IT!

It's great for her since she has so many BBQ's outside at her house and this will stop the nappy-kins from flying away. :-)

Just found it online here and cheaper too!

Anyway's, I'm off to become 29. Peace out ya'll!

Damn Mofos!!!

Been busy busy, need to post more, been wanting to , but my thoughts are all over the place!

Petsitting is quite a biz. Even though I have only a few sits a day, it takes up all my time to just get from place to place and BOY is it tiring!

Animals need a lot of attention. When you see them for only 30mins and it's during the middle of the day and they've had no other human attention, the crave it. They are very hyper when I see them and hard to control ... the dogs at least. Just trying to get collars/leashes on them is rough. The cats, are easy enough ;)

All the sits I do with dogs have 2 dogs at a minimum in the household. They feed off each other with their hyperness LOL.

I also joined Curves and have been doing that 3-4 days a week...

AND...We just got a new puppy (named Dibs).

Animals, right now, are my life. I'm realizing that though the job of being a pet-sitter is extremely rewarding emotionally/mentally, it's not rewarding financially.

The hubby and I are struggling. It's been really hard adjusting to 1 income...
I am looking for another part time day job, even something simple like a cashier, I'd take it, AND do the pet sitting on top of it.

I applied for Unemployment benefits from my last job.
I have applied for some part time admin jobs ... i had interviewed and was always questioned, "why would you want to work part time, making x amount of dollars when you earned so much more in your previous job?" ... and "how do we know you're not going to move on to something bigger"... I try my best to let them know WHY... It's because I want part-time, I need it, and I need something LOCAL, not something 1.5hrs away like my last job, that required me to work 50+ hrs a week in the office and also work from home on weekends! I don't say it like that though, obviously. And...the point of me not moving on, well my real plan is to stay until we get pregnant and have a baby... i don't plan to stay forever, but I'm not going to tell them that either!

Okay -- anyway, I'm ranting.

Just what's been going on lately.

Gotta go shopping but trying to clip tons of coupons... having Mother's Day at my house this Sunday...should be interesting.

BBS -- and more coherent

CD 4 ! YAY!

My last cycle lasted 41 days, and then AF made her appearance the day before Easter. YAY!
So today is day 4 of our new cycle.

We talked. A 'little' bit. .. about how if we got pregnant this month, we'd be in the beginning of our 2nd trimester when we head to Hawaii for the reunion...so technically - we'd be in the safe period to fly.

We aren't in a rush to get pregnant, though I'd really like to get pregnant... Waiting until July is NOT a long wait, I know that.

Here's the possible negative side to getting pregnant now. If we do, and miscarry or come across other complications along the way, the already paid for Hawaii trip will be a no-go. So, while the 'want' to get pregnant is very much on the brain, I think we will probably wind up waiting...

Just happy my 'riod is on!

My temps have been super low in the morning - (Basal Body Temp..not regular temp)... My regular temp is normal 98-100. (I have a history of low-grade fevers). I know that your waking resting state temp is supposed to be low. I'm generally between 96-98 ... on the higher end close to 'riod time.

Anyway...I want Adam to win American Idol -- nite all!

CD 37?

Stillllll going. Longest cycle ever. HEHE Bizarre to me, but still intriguing. It's like a science experiment. oooooooh

longest cycle in a while...

Today is CD 34. I'm usually a 26 day cycle, rarely a 28 day.
I kinda was hoping I'd be back to my usual this time around, but I guess I will just have to wait it out. I'm kinda interested to see how long this one will last. It's intriguing. LOL

weird...

So yeah... we've been having a bit of a dry spell lately.
I've been on these meds to help with some anxiety/depression I had since the D&C and also some meds for GERD. I'm supposed to have an increase is sex-drive, but I think it's had the opposite affect on me.

Today, suddenly...I want to be pregnant again. I no longer want to wait.
I secretly hope that the 2-3x's we did do stuff, we managed to get pregnant. I don't think that is the case though, but it is a hope.
My period is due tomorrow. Maybe that is why I am getting this shift in feelings...hormones.
My temps have been so all over the place lately, I can't even tell when I O. I have just recently had EWCM and I thought I was supposed to be dry before my riod. I don't get it. I know it can take time to get back onto a normal cycle, if that even happens.

If we got pregnant now, it would be perfect, we'd still be able to go to my family reunion in late July. I don't want to fly in 1st trimester... I'd like to lessen the risk if possible.

What am I saying, we're not going to 'TRY' until July anyway.

Tattooooo!

I want a white tattoo sooo bad.

Rant?

I think since my D&C, we've dtd twice. I guess technically, that's not SOO bad, considering we were told not to do anything for a few weeks following the procedure, and also, I was just scared that I wasn't healed.... but still.

To me, I feel like we just don't do it as much anymore, b/c, what's the point if we're not trying to get pregnant. I know that sounds totally lame and is not exactly the case.

I am on Budeprion and Aciphex. Budeprion is another form of Welbutrin. My doc prescribed it to me as an anti-depressant. The side effects are supposed to be and increase in energy and sexual appetite. LOL -- too funny. I have to admit, I still need my daily caffeine jolt to get me through the day. I'm not so sure I'm feeling any kind of side effects from it yet, except that I'm not as depressed as I used to be. It could be because I'm no longer working at the worst job ever. LOL

The Aciphex is for a case of GERD that I started getting when I was pregnant. I was only pregnant for 8 or 9 weeks but I had symptoms of GERD from about week 4. I'm not sure why. Anyway, the symptoms just kept getting worse even after the procedure. I've since added more protein into my diet to counteract the carbs I eat. (it's so hard to cut back on carbs) lol. Aciphex is working. It's amazing. Not a single symptom of GERD since I started taking it. YAY!

Okay -- so, Budeprion is supposed to be an anti-depressant that I will not have to be weaned off should we decide to try and get pregnant again. Which is great. Really though, I am just not so fond of being on any kind of drug that messes with the way my brain is functioning. The main reason I decided to take it was b/c my doc had suggested to me that the chances of Post Partum Depression are heightened if you are depressed before/during your pregnancy. I don't personally know what that is like, but from what I've read and heard, it's best to avoid if there is a way to do it. So this is my way.

I've never had a history of depression. I can admit that the most depressing point in my life was after the D&C. I never knew what depression was really like until then. Wow -- does it change you.

Anyway -- I'm rambling.

Oh, and I guess just to add to it, here's my confusing chart for this cycle. I really hate how my previous one was very easy to read, and this one, I can't understand. I feel that I am doing something wrong, I don't know. I think maybe my body is just still readjusting from the D&C...
























And here is my First Cycle -- easy to read -- shows when I got pregnant too.

Can someone please interpret this for me...

I have no idea how to read this one.

My first round of charting -- my temp was pretty steady in the beginning, then we got pregnant at the point of Oing. Easy Peasy... But I can't read this one at all. It seems my temp is all over the place.

I had my D&C 2 months and 1 day ago LOL -- maybe I'm just not back on track yet.

Anyway... here's my chart so far.



We are NOT trying to get pregnant right now. We are 'preventing' for sure. I want to make sure (as much as I can try) my body is really ready to accept and keep the next pregnancy. I know there really is no telling...

Doc said to wait 3 cycles before trying. If we wanted to try now, we probably would anyway... But... not so sure that is the smartest thing. I don't really know the risk.

I hope things are semi back to normal by the summer. We will probably try again in July.

Wedding Video!!!

Yay!!! We got our video last week...

We are getting the raw footage, along with 30 minute movie type and 5 minute highlight so I can post it online for people to see.

They used 8mm film in some of it for the old style look.


Our Photographer/Videographer was Life Mosaic Studios... they are amazing.
I highly recommend.

Here is the highlight video from the wedding.

Lately...

I've been pretty busy. Who thought being a housewife would take up more time than a full-time paid job? I mean, I knew it was a lot of work, just makes me think, how was it even possible that we managed the house without one of us home full-time. The answer -- we didn't.

The house is overwhelming me. There's so much to be done. I decided against taking the part-time 20 hour a week desk job, and took the pet sitting job. It's a steady 2hours a day 5 days a week plus any over night pet sitting gigs that come up. The money is decent and I like that I am able to pick and choose which jobs I want and don't want. There is freedom. Plus, walking dogs every day will be my daily exercise!! Rain, Shine, Sleet, Snow -- I'm like the mailman.

My dog has been giving me the stink eye lately. I think he thinks I'm cheating on him. He smells the other dogs on me. Sorry Peeps.

Anyway, besides all that, I have another gig going on the side and that is taking up a lot of time too. It's a hobby type thing that I LOVE to do, so I don't mind taking time out of my day to do it.

I have a schedule for household doings, but I haven't actually managed to get anything done yet. Little things creep up here and there that I didn't plan for.

Also, I'm taking a cake decorating class that takes a TON of time to prep for before each class. And, it's messy. LOL

Besides all that, I've been charting and my temps are all over the place. It's kinda funny to see, I guess b/c I expected it, having seen other chickies charts after having a miscarriage.

Okay, gotta run. Got 13 minutes to get ready to meet some friends for lunch - peace out.

HOORAY FOR AUNT FLO!!!

Yesssss! She's here!

She came in out of nowhere, just all of a sudden, I was walking, felt a little 'wetness'...thought maybe it's just that CM stuffy... but then a few seconds later (s'cuse my bluntness) it was gushing.

I ran to the bathroom, and there she was.

I was psyched!!!

I have been having the PMS-y symptoms ever since the D&C so I have always thought my period was right around the corner, but it never came. Now that she's here, I'm happy and relieved.

Unfortunately, she came on so fast and so did her 'physical' symptoms. After I ran to the bathroom I started getting cramps. They were light but have been getting more and more painful as the hours go on. It's been about 5hours and every once in awhile I'll feel a big cramp in one of my ovaries. The strange thing to me, is that in the past I would always feel the pain on my left ovary area.. now it's on both sides. I always just thought my right ovary never really functioned. LOL, now I know it does.

I'm so happy... just thought I'd share!!

Coupon Links --

View the spreadsheet here ( you can download and sort it ) and just let me know the code and I'll send them to you.

View the HTML/Web Version here.

Clipping is therapy for me. I got about 100 today, for a savings of over $180.

First come, first served.

Coupons!!!

I'm starting up a list of all the coupons I have. If anyone wants some, let me know and I'll mail them to you!

I'll let you know when I finish the list.

Changes...

They are a-hapnin'.

I have 3 days left at the office. I decided to make them 1/2 days. So I'm out by 12pm each day.

I have been thinking of what kind of part-time job I want. Now's my chance to find something I like and go for it. Sooo, I was thinking that maybe Pet Sitting would be the way to go.

I adore animals, even ones I'm highly allergic too. I have had an animal in my life for as long as I can remember. When I didn't have one (a stint living with a coworker of mine), I was depressed. Then, we got Peeps. The most awesome, needy, whiney, little Bichon Frise.

Petsitting would be sporatic. Nothing set in stone. I'd be able to pick and choose which dates I want to work and everyting. I'd 1099 it all and be a contractor for hire...and then there would be those stints where I'd get paid 'under-the-table'. AWESOME!

I was contacted by a petsitting company looking for someone for dog walking in my area (near Princeton). I interviewed over the phone for about a half an hour today and I think, I got it! I meet with the owner on Monday, so she can show me what she does, so I at least have a clue when I start. She reassures me that because I'm 1099, I'm not obligated to say YES to any openings where she may need a petsitter. AWESOME STILL.

The catch? - It's not a steady income. The thing is, we don't need it right now. We can swing it so long as we're super frugal. My intention is that with the little bit of money I will be making -- will be for our 'entertainment'.

I also have another interview setup. It's tomorrow via phone, around 2pm. It's with a renewable energy technology company literally 5 minutes from my house. AWESOME AGAIN. It's a steady 20 hours a week. The pay is decent for a part time job. I'd be a receptionist/data analyst/HR-Benefits Administrator for this small company. This is something I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR! Working for a small company, doing receptionist type stuff. I know my technical skills will be under-utilized but my people skills... FINALLY, I can use those! I like helping people and any kind of customer service type of position is fulfilling to me!

I also applied to a daycare center to teach Music for Early Childhood Education. Since I have extensive experience in the field of Music (14 years) and studied it (albeit for a short time) .. I would be a perfect candidate. I'd be working with children, which I adore as much as animals, and I'd be utilizing my musical talents. I've worked with autistic kids while studying Music Therapy so I totally think I could handle it.

We'll see what happens.

I know Mike doesn't want me to jump into the petsitting thing, it's not a ton of pay, but it's FUN.

I think if I got offered the admin-ish position, I would take it for sure... if not, there's always the animals.

If....

I'm M.I.A. here, then I'm probably posting over here at my other site.

Feeling better...

It's been a few days since my last post, and the past few days have really been the first time I haven't cried... It seemed I was crying everyday, at random points. Not thinking about anything in particular. I think I was depressed, and maybe, I still am a little bit. But the change these past few days has been significant. I've felt a lot happier and a lot more energized. Thinking about the m/c still makes me sad -- but I don't feel 'down' if that makes sense.

A few factors that are attributing to my 'feeling better' may be :

• knowing that my last day on the job is Feb 27th. YAY!
  
• finally getting a chance to prep the house to sell and to just 'clean it up'
  
• looking forward to having a home cooked dinner with my hubby. FINALLY! Literally, it's been months. (no exaggeration) We just don't have the time or energy by the time we get home from work.
  
• being able to take care of my dog...help him deal with his separation anxiety
  
• planning a trip to San Francisco & Hawaii for my Family reunion this July.
  

And those are just a few. I really can't wait for a routine and organization. Time to clip coupons, etc!!

I'm learning to become more frugal, and have been stalking housewife blogs. LOL
It's extrememly satisfying using coupons. Free money! I can see how people who clip can't shop without the use of coupons. I think back to how we used to shop and now I feel like I was screwed paying full price for items when just a simple piece of paper would save me $$!!!

Looking ahead to the future is very positive for me.

1 month

Tomorrow will be 1 month since I've had my D&C. I still don't have my period. I have a lot of stressful things going on right now and I'm still trying to cope with the loss. I have contemplated leaving my job due to some hostile environment issues there and also not being able to cope with my loss the way I should be allowed to due to tyrants on the job. I want to get healthy again, I want to be happy. Sooo... after much thought, Mike & I agreed that leaving my job is the right decision. I'm very excited about leaving, which only validates my decision to go.

I was going to tell my boss last week but he was on vacation, so it'll have to wait until Tuesday. My last day will be February 27th, at which time I will take off for about a month, get the house in order and as close to 'ready to sell' as possible. I will also be looking for a part time 'easy' job in the meantime.

Talking about our loss is hard on me still. Each day it's getting a little easier for me to hide the pain. In the beginning I was numb..and always so the 'bright' side. Then I got really depressed, and I think I still am, but I'm starting to cope with that. Day by day is the only way.

shit shit shit shit --- shit

For those of you who know me, really well... i mean see me and/or interact with me on a daily basis... you know how stressed I am.

It's work. It's horrible. I get absolutely NO fulfillment out of it. I've had 5 directors in the past 2 years and things are just horrendous. Nothing is stable. There is drama. There are constant questions, tests, and scrutinization about everyone's jobs, how they are doing it and if they really need to be 'there'. When there aren't the questions, there are those people who feel they need to look out for themselves by sabotaging everyone else.

Just today, I got to be a part of a 'closed door' meeting where I was asked to name names of people who I do not believe are performing or at least not up to par. Are you kidding me?! Did I name names... NO, but someone else in the room with me sure did. Holy hell... I can only imagine if the person who asked us for these 'names' called other people into the room at some time and asked the same question... Was my name mentioned?!

There has been a fear instilled in everyone. What's next. The economy sucks. Work is no longer fulfilling or productive. It's every man for himself. And I hate to admit this, but I'm NOT the kind of person who fights that kind of war.

Quality of life, that's what it's about.


I've been getting to work at 8am every morning, which requires me to wake up at 5:45am, leave the house 6:45am, to get to work BEFORE 8 which is RARE!!! Leaving so early I wind up being late most times. There has yet to be a pocket of time I can find to miss the traffic and morning rush. I work and work, take a 30min-1hr lunch then I don't leave the office until 7pm (at the earliest) and most times I'm at the office until 8 or 9pm!!!! By that time, I get home after 10pm, don't get to eat dinner, have to go to sleep and then repeat the day again, being slammed by requests for these reports I create only for them never to be actually be used. I'm unproductive as far as I'm concerned... 10-13 hours of day of completely useless shit I put out. Not because I choose to, but b/c 'they' choose for me to do it.

Today, I walked into my office and was at my desk at 8am, only to be greeted by my director standing there already waiting to pounce. Great. Just what I need first thing in the morning. I got to listen to him tell me 'what he wants' for 45 minutes straight!! I didn't even get my morning caffeine jolt..AHHH!!!

I do what they say, I've questioned their logic, only to be told to 'do it anyway'. Great.

In my 'multiple' meetings today at work I literally pulled out bunches of hair, picked off every single bit of my nailpolish (went in with full-on wine colored nails, came out perfectly clear) and bit my nails down short and they are perfectly even and round... I am stressed. I am breaking out EVERYWHERE. Maybe it's hormones related to stress or vice versa. I experience body tremors every morning, palpitations throughout the day and just today, when I stand in one spot I feel like I"m going to fall over... I get sea-legs!!! Clearly, I am stressed.

I am depressed. I have finally accepted that. It's not just work, it's the baby thing too. Just the word baby makes me choke up a little bit.

I had a nice long 40 minute convo with Mike on my ride home from work tonight about everything. I tried my best to contain myself, but I couldn't. I cried. Everytime he says 'the baby' or 'po' ... I lose it. Totally lose it. I need to recover. I can't do it with this work shit going on.

Soooo with that said, I believe I'm going to be giving my 2 week notice. VERY SOON.

I've been wanting to leave my job for about a year now (since all the changes and non-stability)... This is it. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to crack or maybe I already have.

Back -- sorta?

Today I had my follow-up.

Doc checked me out - "everything 'feels' fine", he said. "Great!", I said.

It's been almost 3 weeks since my D&C. I haven't gotten my period yet. I was told I should most likely get it within a month from my D&C, and if I don't get it within 2 months, then I have to see the GYN again.

Well, Mike is happy we can finally 'do stuff' again. So am I.
I was just advised to not try and get pregnant right away. My uterus still has to thicken, it might not take long. How will I really know?! Doc says just wait until I start feeling 'normal' again. LOL. Okay. I guess that's also a way of saying, wait until you are ready...at least 1 cycle maybe?

Mike and I are sorta on the same page as far as trying again in April barring any other issues. It's funny, b/c when we got married, we said we wanted to try right away, but then couldn't go to Hawaii for my reunion this year, so instead we agreed on waiting until April. That changed almost immediately after getting married... But now, we are back to that month. In the case, if we get pregnant and it sticks, we will be expecting a Holiday baby.

On the emotional front...I've been tearing up almost everyday. When I see a new mom with her new baby, when I see children's books, when people talk about their pregnancies. It's hard. I just think to myself. "I miss my baby." ... I really do. And I don't know how I will ever get over it. Even when my GYN told me today that the tissue analysis confirmed it was so early there was no fetus. It still hurts having felt and been pregnant.

On a lighter note - I now fit into my old jeans and bras. w00t

finally!!!

On Wednesday, I stayed home from work, the cramps and contractions were at their height.

On Thursday, I went back to work, had a lot of bleeding and lots of clots too. It was really gross. I had cramping throughout the day... it wasn't fun, but it was better than Wednesday. I didn't have any contractions. I went to the bathroom before I left work and (this is way TMI and kinda gross) ... A huge clot came out. It was gross. It wasn't just blod clots, it was tissue. I just stared at it and wondered, "is that what remained of my baby?" ... I just stared, then I flushed it. And I just stood in the stall with a blank mind. I was sad. This was the night that I went to get my hair chopped off too.

When I got home later that night, I noticed all the bleeding seemed to slow down.

Yesterday, I had no bleeding at all. No tinge of color, nothing. No cramps. I think the clots were all that was left and I think the contractions help 'release' them.

YAY!! I think it's all over. I'm ready to heal, physically. 1 more week still till the hubby and I can do anything. It's really killer. B/C I think you always want sex more when you can't have it. LOL

I think I might be a little scared when we start going back at it, b/c I don't want to get pregnant. I'm not sure if we can... I know the uterine lining(wall) needs to thicken up first. I don't know how long that takes or how 'thin' mine is. My checkup is this coming Wednesday. I hope to know all I need to know then. (probably won't though LOL)

So - it's over. Finally!

Chop Chop!!

I've been wanting to do something 'different' with my hair lately. I think it's because I need something to take me away from what I've been through. A change.
So, early in the week I made an appt to meet with my stylist and get a cut. I gave myself a few days to figure out what I wanted to do and made my appt for today...

A hair cut to some people may not be a big deal, but the last time I had short hair was 18 years ago. I was 10 -- it was the first time I ever had my hair cut. It was past my butt... Very long. So long it got in the way when going to the potty. (TMI?) lol. My mom decided it was the best time to cut my hair b/c we were planning a trip to Hawaii. Our first family reunion. I didn't approve of the cut, but I wasn't devastated by the result either. My hair was up to my chin. It was a cute bob.

Anyway...

At work I have a mirror on my desk, and I was sooo bad today b/c all I did was look at myself in it... ALL DAY.

My hair is long. It's more than halfway down my back. I knew the short cut would make an impact but, was I 100% sure I wanted to do it?? No...

A co-worker mentioned I should donate to Locks of Love, but there was no way I could commit to 12 inches!! Maybe 9 I could... I measured off 9 inches with a ruler... it was perfect, right below my shoulder like I was thinking.

As the day progressed I decided I might not want to cut my hair... not a lot at least, maybe 3 inches to rid myself of the bottom most layer.

Along came appt time and I was unsure of what to do, I figured my stylist would help me figure that out. I told her my options and she said we could discuss before committing, obviously.

So, we talked about it, decided I was just going to cut off 3 inches and freshen up my look. It was too long and the layers had grown out. It was a lot to manage and blowdrying it (which I do EVERY day) takes about 40 minutes.., it's tiring.

She washed my hair and sat me back down in the styling chair. I started telling her how I always wanted to donate to Locks of Love but 12 inches was too much for me. Then she told me it's only 10 inches they require.

What?! I was contemplating 9 inches, what's 1 more?! So... I told her I'd do it.

She put my hair in a ponytail and chopped of 10 inches measured out...

My hair was wet -- but measuring out the 10 inches would be easier that way anyway. Unfortunately Locks of Love only accepts fully dry hair, so now I have to wait until mine dries out LOL.. s'all good.

I told my stylist my story about our pregnancy. She started to cry, I got choked up by her reaction. I told her I am not upset about cutting my hair, I believe there are worse things to worry about in life than hair that can just grow back. And I'd be doing a great thing for children who don't have any hair and can't afford to buy wigs. She continued to say how sorry she was, and I said Thanks, and that I understand that it's hard to think of what to say to someone and it's okay, she didn't have to keep saying she was sorry.

She was really touched by my story and what I was doing, but that's not what I was trying to do. I wasn't trying to get pity or to get recognition, I just wanted her to know 'why' i was doing it, and in a way, I wanted to let myself know. (if that makes sense)

So...
My hair is short in the back now. It rests right above the shoulder when dry... the front, however, is longer. When pulled straight (dry) it's about 1 inch below my shoulder. When you pull it into a ponytail to cut it off, it just so happens that the front is longer right away... so, we decided to take advantage of that and give myself a little bit of a less boring look. I have the angle going downward towards my chin... even though it's long, I like the look.. I feel more put together... or cleaner. I feel free.

Here are some photos:





Hair before (1.10.09)



Wet ponytail. 10inches (maybe more?)



Side view. (1.22.09)
I didn't think my hair was long enough for it to look this long after cutting 10" off.



Side view. Angled.




Back view:

A Visual

In case you were wondering ('cause I was)

The baby developed to about 5 1/2 weeks. Somewhere in between these 2 pics below...






The SAC grew to about 9 weeks - even though the 'baby' was smaller above.

eck.

The past few days, I was hoping for the bleeding to slow down and it all to end ... That hasn't happened yet, but then again, maybe I just had high-expectations.

Each day the pains get worse and the bleeding gets heavier. I was told there was a possibility that they wouldn't get everything out during the D&C. They showed me the procedure and what they had to do, and how you really can't tell when you're in there b/c the opening is sooo small. However, most likely, they got the most of it. Still... if there is any little bit left 'attached', the uterus will contract until it's gone. So...that's what I've been feeling lately.

I have heavy period cramps most of the day and then I get the contractions randomly. They kinda leave me breathing heavy and slightly moaning. It's embarrassing at work, but when I get them, I don't even care what people think of me. I just need to get through them. I know there are worse things, but for me, this is it right now.

Last night it finally hit me. Emotionally. I was in bed and Mike was there too. He was on his computer and I just kinda curled up into a ball and faced the other way. I started crying and couldn't stop, and I didn't want him to see/hear me crying... I felt -- like I just have to get through this, somehow. I need to deal with it, I can't deny what happened.

The past few days I kept thinking of the positives of the situation...that it happened early. That there was no developed fetus. That I didn't have an ectopic. That we managed to get pregnant on our first try.

I was proud of myself for how well I was handling things. Dealing with people face to face... But I just broke down... At least it was in the privacy of my own home.

On a recent trip to Barnes & Noble I saw the family planning section, I had to put my head down and not look. I said to myself..."I have no reason to look there anymore." I haven't really been on the JustMommies.com site, b/c I feel weird. I visited once recently and I was on the August 2009 Due Date Club message board... I saw another person on their say their goodbyes to the board b/c they were having a D&C. I was sad and cried for her.

I am home today. I am sad. I am uncomfortable. I think I'm 'depressed'. It's a funk -- I hope to get through it in time, but I think the only way is to just mourn...

Sorry if this is all dreary... I just needed to get it out.

P.S.

Mike knows about this blog. Has known for awhile now. Hasn't told me that he's known....

I found out b/c yesterday I told him I had a 'secret blog'...then he got a smirk on his face and said he knew. He knew b/c he was on my computer sending me a file I asked for and I had my FTP site up ... darn me for not remembering to shut it down, and darn him for being curious.

He read a bit, and then said he stopped b/c he felt like he was reading my private diary. Well, that was nice. 

But, knowing that he knows... is not going to make me blog any differently -- these are my thoughts... They are public, but not to those who have my other site... mainly most of my family and his and other friends of ours... just to a select few we know and whole bunch of strangers we don't.

I told him what I post here... and that I do talk about 'us'... 

S'all good... :-)

Back so soon??

Ok, cramps, contractions...all that fun stuff has left me for a bit. It's funny, I have these pains that leave me unable to move or think and then suddenly, I'm back to normal and feeling good. It's weird... At least it's temporary.

Anyway -- I wanted to update my resolution progress. 

1. start a new hobby and stick with it! A hobby for fun! 

Still looking for one that I think will hold my attention. I'm considering pottery. It's something I did before the wedding, and I stopped and didn't pick up again b/c I was skating and then I got married then got pregnant...but now -- there's no excuse... I want to do it again. Maybe handbuilding though.

2. get on etsy and make some extra cash.

This is going to be a hard one, but I will do it! I know I can. Polymer clay is my friend!

3. take more pictures

I guess I should add to this. Take more pics and then publish/write about them... I need to also find new topics besides my house, my hubby and my dog.

4. find a way to destress myself - lower the anxiety levels - and relax

#1 would help with this -- pottery is a stress reliever. Well, anything that requires intricate work with my hands. 

#5 might also help.

5. read 6 new books this year

Something that is going to get me really going with this is when Amazon releases the Kindle2 -- I am going to buy that sucker the second it's on the market.

6. write more letters to the child i'm sponsoring
I've been sponsoring Camilla since 2006. I have never sent her a photo of me or anyone, so I just sent her one with a letter. I will have to update my other site with her most recent photo, it's cute b/c she finally has a smile on her face ;-) 

7. send more cards. don't miss birthdays, thank you's, holidays.
I'm trying!!! Even if they are late, I'm still going to send them, damnit!!!

8. pay off my last credit card

Holy crap, as of today, I only have $400 debt left to my name!!! What the HELL?! How'd this happen?! It's weird. I have no debt, what is this...is this for real, this can't be true.... Oh, but it is!!!

9. save an extra $200 a month
The way my budgeting is now, I will be able to save an extra $800 -- don't ask me how... but I think I will at the least, up the $200 extra to $400. And the rest, we'll see what happens, maybe it'll go towards my new hobby.

10. complete 12 digiscrap pages this year.

Haven't gotten started on this one yet, however, a digiscrap session is in the works for February -- a get together with some gal pals to scrap all day. It's honestly the one female get together that consists of pure energized silence. LOL

Ok, seriously. My body is Fa-reeking out on this caffeine. I had a large Pepsi at the movies today, oh yeah, did I mention that.... Since I had my niece last night to today, I took her to see 'Hotel for Dogs' this morning before going to the ballet. It was good times. It's really awe-inspiring to see a 5 year old get teary-eyed and emotional while watching a movie. She was sad b/c the dogs were in the pound at one point and the pound people were mean! But the ending was a happy one, THANK GOD it's not like Marley & Me... she wouldn't be able to watch that one. 

Then... tonight, after the Ballet, me and the girls stopped at Pizzeria Uno / Chicago Bar & Grill thing and had some foodage -- I asked for a ginger-ale b/c of my stomach issues, but when I tasted it, it was just really off. I can't explain it... it was bad. It was like minty and spicy and peppery and gingerale-y.... so, I opted for a Coke instead. That shit is good!

It's almost 1 am. I'm tired...physically, but mentally I'm up. I think it's b/c since I did my budget and had a little bit of a freeing experience, I don't know what to bog my mind down with right now. It's a little unsatisfying to be debt free. I liked the challenge and watching my progression.

Weird.

I think I'm also a little anxious about tomorrow. My first day back to work since last Wednesday. My boss & 4 others I work with knew I was pregnant. Now, they all know I had a miscarriage. I don't know what's going to happen. How I'm going to react face-to-face with these people knowing. It's been pretty easy this weekend b/c I've been able to react via phone and internet with most people before seeing them face to face... 

There was this girl I worked with who had a miscarriage. I remember feeling sad for her. This was YEARS ago, before I was married ... before I even met Mike -- I started thinking that something must've been really off in her life, for this to happen for her. Not fate or anything like that, but I was thinking maybe it was stress... Turns out, she believed it was stress too. Stress of the job and her boss. She quit shortly after her miscarriage... 

Anyway, I think back to my feelings and thoughts about her and wonder what people are thinking about me. I shouldn't care, but... I dol, enough for it to make me anxious about tomorrow.

It's another day -- it will make me stronger -- I will get through it -- it will become the past.

Got my D&C 2 days ago.

Bled at the hospital a lot -- but not, a lot. If that makes sense. No clots or anything... 1 pad held up for awhile.

Went home, changed the pad - had no bleeding throughout the night at all -- nothing.

The next day, felt sooo good. No bleeding ALL DAY!!! So, Mike & I cleaned the entire bedroom. It took a whole day to do it, it's not perfect yet, but it's sooo much better than before.

Later that night, we went to his parent's house with my niece and chilled.

Today, started feeling crampy, felt some contractions going on...started to wonder if the doc got everything out -- had no clotting, didn't see any evidence of anything coming out. Had some bleeding today... overall, changed about 4 pads. Not bad for the whole day, but it's weird to have had 2 decent days then all of a sudden have the symptoms post-D&C start up. 

Maybe it's because of all the cleaning I did yesterday? Maybe I should've rested like everyone said. But, I was just feeling so good, that I wanted to take advantage of it and be productive. It's been so long since I cleaned, and not that I love it, but it had to be done! I even managed fitting in some vacuuming.

Today I went to see a ballet with my younger sis and a friend. It was a 'real' ballet. I have wanted to see one for YEARS but have never been able to find a ballet company performing locally. Or semi-locally. We went to NJPAC and saw Giselle performed by the Russian Ballet Company. It was great. They are reeeeally skilled dancers. I love the arts and need to bring it into my life more.

Okay, so that's my runon splurge of an update for today, I am having contractions now and and feeling nauscious and can't bare the pain, so signing off bye...

PS -- too much caffeine today, first time in months!

New Year's Resolutions...

1. start a new hobby and stick with it! A hobby for fun!
2. get on etsy and make some extra cash.
3. take more pictures
4. find a way to destress myself - lower the anxiety levels - and relax
5. read 6 new books this year
6. write more letters to the child i'm sponsoring
7. send more cards. don't miss birthdays, thank you's, holidays.
8. pay off my last credit card
9. save an extra $200 a month
10. complete 12 digiscrap pages this year.

I know some of these don't seem like much, but they really are. I have a habit of going gung-ho into a hobby and just stopping when I find something else to do or things get too hard. What I noticed this past year is that there is so much I want to do and not enough time to do everything. I need to do one thing at a time, and really dedicate some valuable time to it. I have a whole year to get things done. One step at a time.

I've paid off all my personal credit card debt, and I currently use 1 credit card for my own splurges. I have to pay it off for good this year and when I use it, pay it off immediately.

I have my own savings separate from Mike -- we both have our own savings... our finances are handled pretty well. His paycheck goes towards all the bills and into our joint savings. My paycheck gets split 3 ways. 1/3 for him, 1/3 for me, and 1/3 for the joint savings. We get to do what ever we want with our 1/3, but it also has to go towards paying for our own credit cards... we don't joint pay those, which I think is great.

He doesn't have much debt and always pays things on time. I let him pay the pills -- though we manage most of it online tracking it through google docs. It's awesome. Anyway, I will take $200 out of my 1/3 and put it into a separate savings account for rainy days. It's prob best to start that AFTER i pay off my credit card. LOL

12 digiscrap pages is A LOT - after this past year I think I only completed 3 or 4... yikers

I need to send more cards. I always plan on sending cards, this year I bought our Christmas cards, wrote them out and never addressed them or mailed them... now they are just sitting on my table. Maybe I should save them for this Christmas HA!

Thank yous -- seriously, I haven't finished sending out my TY's for my wedding which was in early October. I was told you have a year to do it -- but this is a little ridiculous now LOL...
It's hard for us, b/c we write long thank you's, not the simple, "Thanks for your generous gift".. thing.

Okay , so that's my list -- let's see how it goes.

Feelin' Good...

I know it sounds strange, but it feels strange too.

I am feeling really good right now.

I had my D&C today, scheduled for 12pm. I went in at 10:30am like they asked, then sat around until 1pm b/c the doc was running 1 hr behind. Turns out there was an emergency and she had to handle that first... understood. I just didn't like the fact that I had to sit around all that time having not eaten anything or drank anything since midnight the night before.

I really liked the facility at St Peters Hospital -- it's called CARES. It's a place where they do all same-day surgeries. They really take their time with you and make sure you're feeling okay the whole way through. The rooms pre-op and post-op were really nicely done. And everyone was really nice.

The anesthesiologist, nurse & surgeon (OB) saw me beforehand to go over everything they were going to do. I was going to be under general anesthesia so I wouldn't feel or remember anything. I was psyched. I love just going out and suddenly waking up with everything done...

I told the anesthesiologist my concerns -- that I was worried about the fact that I've been known to react to pain while under ... even though I don't remember the pain. Also I didn't want to react to the pain and remember... I was told to always voice my concerns with the anesthesiologist so they are more aware of particular things... He reassured me that it's rare that that happens, and it's usually in case with the elderly b/c they can't give them as much anesthesia or with people with heart or lung issues... And I didn't fall under that category. phew.

I was 'walked' into the Operating room. I found that weird, I'm usually wheeled in on a stretcher, but I think b/c it wasn't an emergency center, they didn't do that. I was okay with that.

So, after the operation, I thanked the anesthesiologist b/c he did a good job. LOL

My blood pressure when from 116/74 to 93/43 -- I was really cold, and i had some numbness in my hand where the put the IV in. They gave me extra fluids and I was feeling a lot better.

The surgery took about 30mins, the recovery was about 2 hours. I felt dizzy here and there, ate some crackers and had some apple juice. I was starving!

I was bleeding a bit, I felt it just coming out. It felt like a heavy period... I usually don't feel that, b/c I use tampons during my riod...but now I have to use pads... eck.

I was told the bleeding would prob only last 7 days with my case... So I'm glad to hear that.

The cramping is reeeeally slight... better than period cramping...

I am not feeling nauscious anymore but maybe that's b/c I skipped taking my prenatal vitamins last night and tonight... i hate them..

Overall, the experience went well.. we were told all that was there was fetal pole, sac and stuff...no fetus, no baby really there. The only life was in the cells... That reassured me and I am not depressed. I hate that we had to go through all we went through to get to where we are, but the D&C was actually a really decent procedure. I don't feel like anything changed except that I feel better generally speaking -- physical and mentally ... and I'm bleeding.

So, that's my experience... I hope I keep up the good spirits... I'm looking forward to planning our vaca and getting up to start cleaning the house. No cleaning has gone on for 2 months even admist all the holidays so our place is destroyed!!! LOL

Sad news...

Today was our follow up ultrasound.

When we got to the office they said since I was just scheduled for the ultrasound, I would not being seeing the doc to discuss. They told me the doc would call me with the results... great, more waiting.

The ultrasound tech called us in and I was happy to see that it was someone I've used before and who was very informative as she did scans... She never withheld info from me in the past, and I was hoping that it would be the same today.

We were lucky -- she told us everything, even some details from the last ultrasound even though she wasn't the one who did it.

She told us that 10 days ago, at my last ultrasound, we were measuring almost 6 weeks. They told me there was a slow heartbeat, but I forgot to ask how fast. This tech told me that they actually saw a faint flicker and couldn't measure the heartbeat b/c it was so faint if anything at all. Ugh.

As she started my scan, she told me everything she saw... and didn't see.
There was no heartbeat.
There was no growth. The embryo still measured at 6 weeks.
The sac is measuring at 8 weeks which is how far along I should be.
She measured everything multiple times and rechecked for the heartbeat... but there was nothing.

She checked my ovaries and everything else and she said everything seems to be fine.

The tech said that she might be able to get a doctor to see me to talk to me about my options, and she went out of her way to find someone that could. I was very happy with her efforts, it meant a lot to us.

When we were put in a room to wait for the doc, Mike was with me. The nurses aid came in and checked my blood pressure etc... Then, I looked over at Mike and signed for him to leave the room.

It was harder for me to deal with things with Mike there, looking at me. It made me just want to start crying hysterically. I tried so hard to conceal my tears, but just seeing him made me more sad... He left the room...

I waited in the room by myself for the doc to come in. I had only a little bit of tears welling up in my eyes, but then... the doctor walked in and said ... "I'm very very sorry about this." and that was the trigger... I could barely see b/c of all the tears... but I managed to get out... "It's okay, we are as prepared as we could've been for this... We're sad... but we are okay."

This doc was very very nice. Her bedside manner was great. She was very consoling... She told me that even though development stopped at 6 weeks, the sac continued to 8-9 weeks, and that having a natural miscarriage wouldn't be quick. It would be drawn out, very painful and bloody. B/C the sac is so big, it wouldn't come out all out once... and there was no predicting how long it could take. She said the pain alone is not something that many people opt to go through since it is very similar to labor pains... but they could last for days. Yikes... me and pain do not get along.

So -- we are scheduled for a D&C tomorrow. I don't know what time yet. I'm sooo scared.
I don't like hospitals. I hate them...
But, if I don't get it done tomorrow and I happen to have bleeding on my own over the weekend, I would have to go to the emergency room and have a rush procedure done. Rushes are never good. I like planned things. Still, I feel like this is all happening so fast.

I'm okay... I think I am at least. I understand the 'why' of everything. Still... I cry. I think it's just because we have to go through all this, I'm throwing myself a little pity party inside...

We will try again - we were successful in getting pregnant on our first attempt and I can only hope that we are successful again after all is said and done.

We were told to wait 3-4 months before trying again b/c the uterine lining needs to thicken up...
I assume they will also be checking my betas to make sure the decrease so I can get my period again. I was also told I will have bleeding for up to 2 weeks after the procedure. Doc says it could be a light stain or regular period like flow... but it's nothing compared to a having a natural miscarriage where the loss of blood is extreme. I can't even imagine...

I'm not really enjoying the fact that I still 'feel' pregnant. The nausea is random, my boobs are still really sore, I am unbelievably bloated...

On a lighter note -- Mike & I will now be able to attend our family reunion in Hawaii this July.

We are doing okay -- no worries... I just hate it when people say "sorry for your loss" b/c that is another tear kicker for me.

Po, we miss you.

Because... I don't know what else to say...

Today my boss was an ass. 

He sorta knows my situation. That I have some risk, some unknowns... 

I was out a few hours for a few days weeks ago when I was getting all the beta testing done. I let him know ahead of time. Yup.

So at one point he comes to me and tells me that I should really keep him informed as to what's going on so that he can vouch for me, b/c lots of people have been questioning where I've been. Keep in mind, I work from 8am-5pm, and he's RARELY ever in... When he IS in, it's usually after 10am. So what the hell?!

I let it go. I log my time to-the-minute. So if I am late 6 minutes, I note it.

Anyway, my boss has been out of the office the past 2 weeks... (the time between our last conversation and the present) 

His first day back was yesterday, and he was in today too...

Today I let my boss know that I would be out of the office Thursday morning for another appt. He told me I really need to keep him informed and how I should know that "people will continue to start wondering where you are".

I don't understand this statement. WHO is he talking to that is 'wondering where' I am?! NO ONE on my team is in the office before me most days, so who are they to question where I am?!

It just pisses me off...

So I tell him -- " I don't understand what that statement is supposed to mean..." 

And then there is dead air... and he says, "so, what are the doctors saying?"

They are saying, mind your own damn business, be professional and you'll gain some more respect from me. Just then, maybe you'll be worthy enough to earn some insite into my life.

Argh, I'm so angry.. I feel like typing this entry -- I didn't make any sense. 

oh well, it's just words.

Anyway... Thursday isn't getting here fast enough. 

I feel like the nausea is going away. My boobs still hurt...and once in awhile I'll have some cramping and some round ligament pain. I'm gassy and all -- my bathroom habits have been better and there has been no sign of the ominous hem's. So... I wait. And wonder... what is happening inside me. Is PO okay?! please Po... be okay. Please grow. Please stay with us... I am attached to you -- I don't want you to go... If you have to, I will understand... I really will... 'understand' that is. If you're a girl, we already have your name picked out. It's perfect and beautiful...and hard to keep a secret. If you're a boy... we have your name picked out too...

Today, I referred to my dog as my son. It was weird. 'my son'. 'my child'. 'my baby'. 'my Po'.

Last night...

Last night Mike had his company holiday party... The whole trying to find an outfit to wear process was horrendous. I had bought a shirt a few weeks ago and was planning to wear some black slacks.

When I put my shirt on yesterday, my boobs were way out in the open and I looked like a slut. My pants didn't fit. Waaahh!!

So I wound up going out to buy some black maternity slacks, I have to admit, they fit better than any other slacks I've every bought. Not so much the fit around the waist/hips, but the length. It was perfect. They fit throughout the legs just right too and they cost the same!

Niiiice.

I wound up wearing a top I've worn many times, why? Well, because it's a wrap shirt, so no matter my size I can wear it. It was snug around the waist, but didn't pull and I couldn't seem to cover my boobs. I wound up pinning in closed (as you can kinda see in the pic) ... I didn't realize how big my chest had gotten until I tried wearing some normal dress clothes of mine. I think, I'm an E cup now. I started out a 36DD (tmi?) -- I don't want to buy any more bra's yet... in case I keep growing. I really don't want to. :-(

I hopped on the scale last night. I'm up 1lb... so all this extra fluff has gotta be gas, man... it sucks.

Walking around a lot yesterday caused me to get really crampy and have some spotting... I really need to just chill. But I don't like staying inside... even on crappy snowy days like yesterday.

Anyway -- here's another photo of Mike's bro, his gf , me and Mike.


Looks like my head is growing too. - hot air??
(btw, see the 'splitting' of my shirt on top??) LOL!

Things have been good lately. I don't have every day cramping anymore. Today is prob the first time since last week. Haven't had any spotting either.

My stress level has been down ever since my last ultrasound. I guess its bc I feel I'm as prepared as I can be for either outcome at next thursdays ultrasound. Mike and I understand that if we m/c this early it is most likely due to chromosonal issues that wouldn't have made it viable regardless if there was anything the docs could give me. Of course we would prefer a healthy fetus. I fear the pain (mental/physical) of post m/c. If we were told next week that the pregnancy isn't viable I would have a D&C done to remove the tissue. I don't think I can handle the physical pain of a natural m/c bc of my fibromyalgia issues and from what I've been told, it can be a lenghty unpredictable process. The D&C would be quick. Not painless but compared to a natural m/c its nothing.

Anyway. That's where we stand now.

I've got lots of plans lined up this month to keep me busy I'm psyched for all of those!

Ultrasound Update...

Well, I had my first prenatal appt today. Had an ultrasound, Mike came in with me. He got to see the screen, I didn't. The nurse made it pretty obvious from the beginning that she was not going to be able to go over anything with me, and the doctor would discuss everything. Then she began... I felt weird. Just sitting there in silence while the ultrasound tech and Mike stared at the screen. I was the only one that couldn't see what was happening inside my own body. 

After the ultrasound, I was put in an exam room with Mike. I was told to get totally undressed b/c I was going to have a full physical and have all this blood taken for tests etc... since that is supposedly the norm for a first time New OB Visit. 

So, after I undressed and put my robe on, we sat and waited for the doc. It took him awhile to get to us, but when he did.... he entered andtold me to sit up, because I wasn't going to be having any of the testing or examining done today. I started to feel a little strange, thinking something is wrong...

The doc then proceeded to tell me, that when they did the ultrasound, they saw a heartbeat, but it's very slow. (I didn't ask how fast, b/c I was just a little out of sorts after he said that)... then he said I'm not measuring where I should be. According to when my last period was, I should be about 7 weeks. However, I'm measuring at about 5.5 weeks. The last time I got measured I was 5.5weeks measuring 4.5 weeks. So I was about 7 days behind... Now, I'm 10 days behind... Ugh.

I was told 7 day lag is usually the limit for any concern, anything over it is cause for concern.

The doc suggested that I just might not be as far along as they would assume, which is sometimes normal, dependent usually on how regular my cycle is. Or, there is a possibility that I am on my way to a miscarry. My doc was very personable and seemed concerned for me, which I thought was nice, considering he is the first male gyno I have ever been to... I thought they would be more cold and standoffish.

So he suggested that I come back in a week for another ultrasound that should tell us where we are more precisely... My next appt is in 10 days. Between now and then I just hope that Po stays healthy and where he should be and grows!!

Today, I plan to work from home, b/c there are points where I just feel like bawling, and my concentration is a bit off... I don't think I could deal with being around a lot of people today.

I will try and keep positive thoughts until next week -- 

Contractions...

I've had these horrible twisting like pains 3 x's so far.
They are so painful I have to sit completely still when I get them to try and focus on relaxing myself.

I think they are contractions bc it feels as though things tighten up a lot down there. Its so early for stuff like this, I would think.

I have read that braxton-hicks contractions happen early on in pregnancy but ur not supposed to really feel them or have them be painful. I wonder if I am having those but am just sensitive and feel them. Bleeding is not really happening much right now either.

I am also getting the chills a lot. I don't have a fever or feel ill. I get goosebumps and try to keep myself warm but its hard lol. I wonder if cold flashes are normal lol.

I have to say...

If I have morning sickness then it keeps coming out the wrong end.

I feel nauseaous to no end and I have to keep running to the bathroom only to be met with a serious case of the runs. Now, I know you all love to read about my bowel movements, so that's why I am writing this entry.

Its a horrible feeling and I'm not prepared for it. For example... I felt extra queezy this morning so I designated a big blue plastic bowl to be my puke bowl. I thought it would be a good idea to have in case I happened to barf while driving in to work. Alas, it just sat in my car...looking all lonely and blue.  Ha.

What to do abt an ass that randomly spews?! Hell if I know. Spew...that's a nasty word. It really makes u sense the, well, you know.

So on my way home tonight. I started to get the good ole ready to barf feeling only my sphincter started spazzing ... fock there was no place to run into and use a restroom so I had to make it home. Trying my best to use the kegel method on my a-hole. It was working.
I made it home. Thought abt checking the mail then the spasming began again. I never ran up 2 flights of steps, stripped from my waste down and grabbed a book so fast.

Let me just say, when all was said and done, I did not feel the least bit satisfied. My hems were all irritated and my stomach seemed to go into convulsions. I am so out of it right now I can barely walk. I'm laying in bed, typing this entry on my phone, while holding onto my body pillow for dear life. Please God, let my ass have a rest.

I called the doc.

And he told me that in the patients he sees 50% have light bleeding like I have been having early on in their pregnancy. That was comforting to hear directly from the doc. Then he said that the only real way to make sure everything is ok is to see on a ultrasound...the heartbeat.
He says its prob still too early for me, according to my charts, to see a heartbeat. So it doesn't really help one way or another if I go in today. He says I am okay enough to wait until the 5th. Then we will see. If the bleeding gets really heavy or the pain is severe. Then to call back. Same as always.

Ok. I can wait. I feel a little better and I love the fact that the obs office has such a quick response time.

Weird.

What's weird to me is knowing that my 'new OB' visit is going to be with the doctor that delivered Mike's brother and sister.
Well, at least I know he has years of experience :-)

Ouch!

here's a little bit of lovelyTMI for you...

Shitting, sucks. Actually, I think the task of getting to the point to where you can actually take a good shit and make it count, is the part that sucks. My bowel movements have been so unpredictable since all this pregnancy joyfulness...

I'm constipated to all hell. I have hemorrhoids now. (Holy Ouch!) and the gas pains and bloating... well, nuff said.

Today, for the first time in days, I've had NO SIGN of bleeding or spotting. I'm surprised. However, I have the constant feeling of having to Poo, only to go to the bathroom and having nothing to show for it. (eww, I know)

Just about an hour ago, I had some pains, tried to relieve myself with no success. Then I started getting severe cramping like pains, like someone was twisting my ovaries and uterus so bad... and my lower back hurt so bad. To me, I still have a feeling of dread. A feeling of a possible miscarriage. I know it can get annoying to hear from me, but alas, it's how I feel. The pain wasn't unbearable, but it was up there, Like an 8 out of 10. I was crying, I called for Mike. He came by my side while I was laying in bed curled into the fetal position rocking myself. He rubbed my lower back and eventually the pain went away.

I'm glad it's gone.

I asked him. What if we go for our ultrasound on the 5th and they can't find a heartbeat. He said he's not thinking like that. He's only thinking about the positive and is not going to think negative right now. I think that's great of him. I wish I could be the same. I think the difference is that I am feeling everything that is going on, which leads me to 'feel' something is wrong. Do I KNOW for a fact something is wrong, no...

I am thinking about calling my OBs office tomorrow to see if they say anything or if maybe I could at least get another beta test done to make sure I'm on the right track right now.

Ugh...

Merry Christmas!!!

I can't believe today is Christmas. It's weird. Maybe it's because I know I have to go back to work tomorrow. 1 day off is not enough to get you in the spirit of the holidays. That's for sure.

So, lately, I've been having some more painful cramps...still the period like ones all around down there. They get better sometimes. I had some bleeding 2 days ago, that fully went away yesterday morning. It was brown, lovely -- I guess that's the old stuff comin' out. 

At least it stopped.

I wore a pad, to see how much was coming out, but nothing showed up on it. It only showed when I wiped. I guess that's a good thing. I keep reading online and through the message boards that I belong too, that bleeding like this is common. Some people go on to bleed throughout their entire pregnancy and end up with a perfectly healthy baby.

My worries were pretty much put to rest with the reiteration of all that.

Yesterday I spent Christmas Eve at my Dad & Stepmom's house. My aunt and uncle were there and they know the news, however, my stepmom's friends were there and didn't know the news. My aunt and uncle thought it was common knowledge and had conversations with me about the baby etc...in front of them, but they never picked up. Later on during the night my stepmom's friends daughter came up to me and said when she was playing with my phone she saw a picture of a pregnancy test on it and asked if I was pregnant. I told her yes...but it's early. So, since she knew, I broke the news to my stepmom's friends and they were excited but felt a little excluded saying why were they the last to know. 

I proceeded to tell them that they aren't the last to know. We only told a few people b/c I was having some complications, and I'm really early. I'm only 5weeks-ish. 

Ugh, if you knew where these people were from, you'd know they think they are the elite and must-know everything. 

It wasn't my intention to offend anyone and besides, it's my friggen business anyway... They just happen to be the type of people who take things a little too personally, like how if they don't receive a thank you card within a few days of giving a gift, they go all crazy and get rude about it.

I bet you know the type...

Anyway, that's all over now...and on to spending Christmas Day with Mike's family. It should be a very calm relaxing day. 

New Year's Day I spend Christmas with my Mom and her boyfriend ... 3 Christmases a year, it's a lot, but it's nice to have the holiday's last a little longer sometimes... :-) and at least we manage to see all parts of our family every year.

Oh yeah, on a side note -- I am starting to get woozy, I haven't been able to kick the feeling today, and I'm hoping I don't wind up puking... however, i feel like I will at any minute. Yikers.

More bleeding??

So today I had more red bleeding. I noticed that my cramps got worse after a few minutes of me squatting down while looking at some ornaments on a bottom shelf at a shopping center. Then. 15 minutes later I hit the bathroom and I have bleeding.

Last time I bled I think it was related to me shovelling a bit of snow off the driveway.

What the hell.

One more thing.

We don't have to do anymore beta tests. We will be going back to the OB for a first pregnancy visit and heartbeat ultrasound on January 5th.

Yesterdays results.

So I had some red period like bleeding yesterday that I discovered when I went to the bathroom yesterday while out to lunch with my sister. (Run on sentence?)

I called my OBs office and they told me to come in and have an ultrasound done bc they can't tell me what's wrong until they see me.

I feared the worst. A miscarriage in the making.

I drove as calmly as I could on my 45 minute commute to the docs office. I had bouts of hysteria crying so hard I could barely see. I started to calm myself down and tell myself that everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Bleeding is normal. Then I imagined all the positive results the doctors would give me. It worked.

When I got to the docs office they sent me directly to the ultrasound tech. It was a very quiet procedure and I tried to break the ice. I asked if it was too early to see anything and the tech said. "Well I see a yolk sac"... I was ecstatic and tried to contain myself. There was nothing there 5 days ago so that was awesome!

Tech told me I am measuring 4wk 4days then 5 minutes later she said 4wk 5days so I don't know the exact. My period, however, was 5wks 3days ago. She said measuring off by 7 days is ok so long as progression isn't slow. And since there was nothing there 5 days ago there was no concern. She said it could be due to non-consitent periods. Mine are pretty consistent but oh well.

She left the room and I heard her and my OB talking abt me. It was hard for me to hear them but I heard something about the shape of something in me. Ugh. Eavesdropping never pays off.

When I went to see my OB she checked me for bleeding. She said she didn't see any sign and the amt I had is normal. She said once I start soaking 1 pad every 1 hour. Then I should be concerned. She said when you miscarry its the heaviest clottiest bleeding id ever had. Yikers.

She then told me that the sac was implanted very high up in my uterus and its not low or anything to indicate I might miscarry.

She said everythings taken a complete left turn and I've come out of all this with a completely healthy pregnancy. I'm also 100% in the clear of an ectopic pregnancy. Yay!

Doc said I was the earliest recorded pregnancy their office has ever had since I was barely 2weeks when they caught mine. I was flattered

Then ... she wished me a 'Merry Christmas'
It felt so great to hear that. Its so much more satisfying than hearing happy holidays!

Why I blog a lot.

Its been so easy for me to update my blog on a whim. I have mostly been blogging via my cell phone (T-Mobile G1). It's private. No one can see what I'm typing, I can do it anywhere... in the car, in the doctors office, in the bathroom. LOL

I send an email to my blogger posting address and it instantly adds the content to my blog. The only thing I can't do is add photos to my entry. Or at least I haven't figured out how to do that yet.

All-in-all... its good shit.

Sh!t

I'm bleeding. On my way into gyno office now for ultrasound. :-(

Got my betas.

Saturdays betas came back at over 2100. Yay. They didn't give me the exact but that's ok. They want me to go into the office tomorrow to get an ultrasound. If everything on the ultrasound looks good then I won't need more bloodwork. Yay!

My boss is a little concerned with me being late to work lately. I told him my situation and have to give him some sort of schedule to my future absences so he can vouch for me being out without saying the wrong thing.

I'm nervous. I don't want to lose my job. If I do. I'm screwed and won't have any insurance. Waaaah!

We will see what happens. Its just not the best time of year to be out. Its the end of the year and end of the quarter. I make up any missed time and even work weekends so I'm not sure what the deal is.

TMI...just a head's up...

Went to get more blood taken yesterday, since it was a Saturday and they don't actually run the tests on weekends, I won't find out until Monday. Makes me think I should've gotten my blood taken on Monday instead? Doc insisted on Saturday, I don't know why.

It's been a few weeks since we BD'd - I guess in a way it's like, what's the point since we already succeeded ... LOL. But, we're human, and we have needs.

When I went to the hospital that one night, they told me to abstain until I got my period - that was when they were for sure I wasn't pregnant, and wanted to make sure nothing else happened. What would BDing do if I wasn't pregnant etc... or if it was just a cyst?

So, I researched online and on some pregnancy message boards about BDing while pregnant in the first trimester. I found that it should be completely safe to do so, so long as the pregnany is going well. I have no bleeding like some people do so the concern, I thought, wasn't really there.

So - we BD'd making sure not to be to jarring as to cause a miscarriage, b/c in my head, I still thought there was a possibility.

Afterwards, I had some barely noticeable, but still noticeable spotting. I was worried. I had a nightmare later that night that I started to miscarry. It was horrible. All I kept thinking was, if we didn't do it, we'd be fine. Why'd we do it?!

I woke up and found no spotting. So I think that I may be a little sensitive right now, and any sort of internal trauma is going to cause me to spot... Even my last intrauterine ultrasound made me start spotting.

So for now, until I'm more secure in how my pregnancy is going, we're going to abstain...

Lucky Mike!

Tired...

I have been really tired lately, like can't keep my eyes open past 9pm tired. Somehow I manage to keep myself away past 9 and get a second-wind in which I am super hyper and can't calm down.

I am tired, but my eyes won't close now...

I have an apt at 8am tomorrow morning for more Beta testing...

Mike is going with me b/c right after my tests we are heading to the mall to finish up last minute Christmas shopping. They do open early this time of year, right?

Then, we have to go home, pick up our dog and drop him off for dog-sitting at my mom's house so Mike and I can go to dinner at Medieval Times.

Originally some friends and kids of theirs were supposed to be going, but they have recently declined. Mike and I are actually really happy about that (shhhh.) b/c we are totally looking forward to a 'night-out' on our own. 

Psyched as always..

I will post my new betas tomorrow after I get my results. 

Another beta update.

Since it seems I will be getting blood taken every other day. I will prob just wind up putting a chart on the right side of this page and update there.

Got blood drawn today for betas and got the results back already.

We're at 967 now!

Doc was kinda shocked she said. She said I should really be going up 2/3rds every 48 hours but I more than doubled. She was very congratulatory.

I'm still little shocked I guess.

Baby #1 - Nickname

Mike and I have decided that we'd like to name our unborn 'embryo', (at this stage). We'd like to call it something other than 'IT'. 

And so, we name 'it'... Po (sounds like Edgar Allan...)

Last night we laughed in hysterics as we tried to come up with some kind of nickname that would work for both of us. Something androgenous like Pat or Sam.

We had a fish, it was a Beta fish. My niece misheard me and said, "It's name is Potayta?"  To which, I replied.."Yes, the fishes name is Potato". 

on a side note : Potato has since died. He/she lived a long 7 days in our company, but is ever in our hearts.

We also LOVE potato bread/rolls, regardless of it's fattening qualities ... and whenever we refer to them we call them Po Rolls. "Hey Mike, don't forget to pick up some Po Rolls on your way home from work!"

So, Po it is. Just note if you are reading my entries, I will refer to our unborn as Po, now until we learn the sex and pick a name that'll stick.

Beta update

Got the call from my OBs office today abt my beta results.

12/9 : 6
12/16 : 413 !!

I'm really starting to get psyched now.

If it could get any more official ---

it has.

Went to my OB/GYN today. Had a full on exam again. No tenderness in the ovaries.

Had an internal ultrasound - the fluid is barely there anymore. YAY!! It's almost all gone!! Which means it was a cyst that burst and left fluid that just took awhile to absorb.

Had a urinalysis - hemoglobin is good 12.5, and a pregnancy test came back immediately positive. YAY. 

The weird thing was that all the nurses I met with today including my OB had not believed I was pregnant, but when I told them I tested myself yesterday with the digital, they did the test just to be sure. They weren't even going to do one?! Their office doesn't consider a Beta of 5 - 6 a pregnancy. 

I am still having some cramps down below - she thinks that it might be GI related or pregnancy related, but b/c when she did the physical test she found no tenderness, she's not exactly sure.

The ultrasound didn't pick up anything visually to determine a pregnancy b/c I'm too early. There can still be a chance of an ectopic pregnancy, not saying that's the route I'm going down, but there's always a chance until they see where the sac has implanted itself.

So, to rule out an ectopic even more -- I will be getting blood taken every other day until my levels reach 5000. I gave today, I hope they doubled since last week was only 6!! And I go back on Thurs & Sat...then maybe one more on Monday -- at that point, if all is well -- We will do an ultrasound around Christmas and see a baby & heartbeat. 

I'm ecstatic and so is Mike... it's very hard to contain ourselves.

New Year's Resolutions...

Taking after a friend -- I'm going to start thinking of my New Year's Resolutions and make a list...

To start, I've realized through chat and other types of communications and just by looking at myself as if I were an outsider...that I need to 'calm down'. I do. I know it.

I used to see a psychologist -- making the decision to go to one was hard, but when I finally did, I realized it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

I've since stopped going -- a few months prior to our wedding. (Ha...that was a mistake) I just didn't have the 'time' or 'energy' to see my psychologist, so ... i cut it out. I have still not yet recovered from all the stress and anxiety that is planning, and paying for a wedding... (we are STILL paying it off).

It doesn't help that Mike is pushing how we 'need' to put the house on the market by the end of the year. At this point, I'm not ready to move stuff or 'get down' and dirty cleaning things. I don't want to do anything but sleep most times b/c I'm just sooo tired. Hormones are wackadoo. 

So I'm stressing... I need to just relax. I will try my best to stick to the advice of others and try to stay calm to keep a more healthy pregnancy. 

All I have to do is find a way to deal with the stress that is my life right now. I know it could be worse, but I can't just brush everything off. I need to take things one step at a time, reprioritize things and try my best to convince/sway Mike to have the same idea's in prioritization. LOL

My Last Test before Tuesday...

I had bought 5 tests, for reassurance, last week. I took one everyday... I don't know what I'm reassuring myself of -- but it's fun to see a line, etc...

Here is my 5th and final test - it's a digital one --

Last night I had the worst heartburn or gas in my chest or something. I thought I was going to die.

I've experienced GERD (Reflux) before, and that's not fun, it's completely debilitating for the few seconds/minutes it takes for your food/drink to make it's way down then up then down then up then down your esophogus...

Last night, (or should I say this morning) , I was awoken by horrible pains in my chest at around 1:30am. I sat up thinking it was just heartburn -- and thought that sitting up straight would help relieve it a little.

It didn't, and the pain got worse. I started freaking out and getting anxious and my heart started racing, making the pain so much worse...it seemed. I took a Maalox tablet, and that did nada. So, I took another -- the pain was going away -- only slightly though. I had Mike wakeup and go online and research if the pain I was having was normal and maybe just a symptom of pregnancy -- learn as you go. Meanwhile, I called my mom to ask her about the pain - (former nurse, and former pregnant woman LOL). She said she used to get the pains not as bad though, and to just relax. She calmed me down on the phone and I started to feel better. Slowly but surely the pain started to subside. I wound up using a backrest pillow to sleep on so I was sitting straight up. It was the most uncomfortable thing for my head, but my chest didn't hurt anymore.

Maybe it was just gas? -- Gas is sooo painful sometimes. I think I need to start changing my eating habits.

P.S.

My boobs are massive. Holy crap.

another entry...

I've been blogging so much on this blog that I've totally neglected my other more public one.

I am bad.

Anyway. Spotting stopped after this morning - whatever. I know not of what to think of it.

I went to Kohls today. My pants haven't been fitting me. Whenever I try to sit for any amount of time it makes my cramps worse, so I have to unbutton them. Because of this I've been wearing baggy shirts lately.

I have not gained any weight but I think my midsection has gotten bigger...at least the lower portion. It seems to be mostly gas, b/c I've been SUPER gassy since I ovulated...and I guess it's also b/c of the pregnancy. It's not fun, and I still manage to never 'break wind' in front of Mike. LOL

I tried on some jeans a size or two bigger but they were horrible. They fit too big all over. I just need it bigger in one spot. The belly. So, I went to the extremely limited maternity section that they have and tried on some maternity jeans. They have this cotton belly part that covers the entire stomach. They are like stretch pants, the way you pull them on. No button. I have to admit, they were the most comfortable things I ever put on... at least the most comfortable thing close to jeans. I contemplated buying them but then mentally -- i just couldn't. I know I'm pregnant (i say it a lot, I just try to keep convincing myself) ... but until Tuesday/Wednesday's results, I don't think I could justify the splurge. However, I did manage to get 2 maternity shirts. One looks very maternity-ish but I like it, it's something I can see myself wearing on Christmas if the news is good. And I bought a grey hooded sweater -- it's definitely not maternity-ish. I usually wear a L and the sweater is a L but it's sorta tight on me. What the hell size would I be if I got pregnant. I can only imagine.


Anyway, I also bought myself a ring, to try and keep my spirits up.

On the outside of the ring the following is inscribed:
My Pride, My Joy, My Strength, My Courage, My Love

and on the inside it says:
My Family

I love it... it says it's sterling silver, but the sterling silver rings I've gotten from Kohls always turn my finger green. I really hope this one doesn't.

They are having a 'fab' sale on jewelry and this ring was normally $40 and I think I got it for $15, not too shabby. Plus I had $20 Kohl's Cash and a 15% off coupon. w00t -- so I splurged a little more and got some flannel sheets with snowmen on them.

I love snowmen.

I'm happier today.

Not feeling really depressed like I was yesterday. Yesterday was doom and gloom and today I'm just weird.

My brain is mush. I cry at everything. (I thought that was supposed to happen later)... I cry at funny stuff, scary stuff, sad etc...

I have major heartburn.

Cramps have lessened.

I am ranting...

ooooh yeah, and I'm breaking out like a friggen teenager and can't take any acne meds... *sigh* -- there are worse things, i know.

argh...

Woke up every 2 hours last night. Almost exactly every 2.

It was bizarre. I took my temp each time, and it was around 97.8 each time, which is high for me. My temp during my period is usually in the low-mid 66's.

My cramping was worse this morning, like heavy period cramps -- i've had the same ones before during that time of the month, but them getting worse freaks me out. I just don't know what to think anymore.

I took another HPT and the line was a bit darker again ... see below

Around 8:30 am, I went to the bathroom and noticed spotting when I wiped. :-(

waaaaah.

It's not heavy, it's lightish pink -- I'm hoping it doesn't get heavier today. Am I not supposed to use tampons if it does get heavy? I don't know how that works.

I am going with my younger sis to brunch at a potential reception place for her wedding. Should be nice. I hope I can put everything aside to just enjoy the day with her.

I have this horrible feeling...

That the pregnancy isn't going well. Cramps are getting worse. They are not fun. They aren't specific to any side anymore...just all over. Now I know since I have Fibromyalgia that everything feels like 100x's worse than it would for someone without FM, so maybe I can attribute the pains to that. 

I haven't had anymore spotting... but still, I just have this feeling, that something's not right.

I've been taking HPTs daily to see if the line is getting darker, and it is, ever so slightly though. I feel that when I go in my beta's will be too low and I will have to m/c.

I'm sad.  

I didn't think I'd be this attached this early on especially with the current situation...but I am attached.

All I want to do is cry. I don't think Mike would understand why though. I know he's not going through this physically... but emotionally -- i don't think he's ready to even be excited until he knows the definites on Tues/Wed after my blood tests. I can't help but be partly excited...and partly depressed, b/c I don't know what to think.

I'm an emotional wreck and I've been keeping it bottled up for all this time. 

I'm going to go to bed now and just cry it out... Hopefully I'm feeling better tomorrow...

Spotting...

Tonight I had some spotting. Yikes. 

It could mean:

- I'm getting my period :-( waaah

- I'm starting to miscarry

- My cyst gave me some internal bleeding that will go away

- Ectopic Pregnancy bleeding??

- Nothing

If the bleeding is like a regular to heavy period, I will wait until Tuesday, if it becomes severe, I will have to go to the emergency room again.

POOP!!!

---------

I can't stop checking... I have been peeing a lot lately, like at least 2-3x's an hour for the past week or so... I can hold it if I have to, but each time I go to the bathroom there's more that comes out. Like, it's not just a feeling, but I actually have stop to get rid of. The weird thing of it all, is that I don't know where it's coming from. I'm not drinking all that much fluid to have to pee so much. Anyway, I've  peed a couple times since the spotting and I haven't noticed any other traces... Ugh. What the hell.

Feelin iffy

Today I'm feelin a little off. Cramps r more significant. I feel dizzyish, a bit nausious (sp?) , really friggen tired , and stupid. I'm out of it. I can't focus on work. I think I have a fever. Or I'm getting hot flashes. I took 2 tylenol extra strength just in case.

I think I'm going to head home around 12 and rest.

Eck.

I see two lines...

Do you??? Now I've taken 3 pee sticks within the past 3 days. 2 with faint positives, and 1 that came out negative *at hospital*. I've had 2 blood tests with positive results for an early pregnancy.

I decided to take a pee stick for myself at home (without the early morning pee) and this is what I got. I consider it a positive... I will take another in 2 more days and hope for a darker line!

Click pics for a closer view...

The diagnosis...

OB's blood test results came back the hcg levels are at 6+ , still very low, so if pregnant, which she thinks I def am -- then it's very very early in the pregnancy, like less than 2 weeks they are saying now. Slightly over 1 week.

I go back in on Tuesday night -- then get blood tested again.

I'm not getting psyched. It's too early -- way too early. I think end of December,  beginning of Jan, will have some more definitive results and possibly a heartbeat ultrasound ...

Till tuesday - I hope to not have any more drama.

In the meantime -- Mike is sick as a dog, and my dog seems to have a stomach virus puking everywhere! 

At least I'm healthy! haha

the drama...

Went in to the hospital at 1:30 am. Having shoulder pains that left me questioning if what I was feeling might be a sign of bad things to come. My cramps -- the same. Bearable.

I just got home, and after 8 hours of poking & prodding, in every sense of the words... here's what happened.

Triage nurse checked all my vitals, took a urine sample, did a pregnancy test strip - result = NEGATIVE.

Got put in the Emergency Room --well, it's not really a room, it's more like a hallway. Poor Mike was so tired and he is sick, he had to spend most of the hours in a chair. We tried to share the hospital bed, but they are narrower than a twin mattress!

Had some blood taken, FROM MY HAND!!! I hate that shit. They didn't even ATTEMPT to take blood from my arm, like normal non-sadistic phlebotamists do. It hurt like a Motha-F'er. Blood results came back with awesome blood levels (no internal bleeding) and pregnancy test = POSITIVE, however my level was 5.6 which is really low. Meaning it's SUPER early in the pregnancy. 0 : Not pregnant, 1-5 : 1-2 weeks pregnant. Or something like that. A doc from my OB's office came in to examine me. Says he doesn't like to call a pregnancy until it's much higher... I don't blame him. I am only 12 dpo.

Got an ultrasound done again, an intra-uterine and an outter abdominal one. The results were the same as the one I got from the OB's office. Excess fluid behind Uterus causing the cramping. I heard the radiologist talk to the attending Dr and he said that he said there were possible signs of a Corpus Luteum, which is damn fine by me. I can deal with cysts. However, I don't recall feeling it burst... 

Overall, my Doc from the OB's office says there is a possibility I'm not pregnant, a possibility that I am, and a possibility that it's ectopic. Nothing definitive. What else is new.

He says he doesn't feel it's ectopic, b/c I would only be 1-2 weeks pregnant and the 'child' , so to speak, would be so miniscule that I wouldn't feel it burst within the tubes, etc... 

So, he let me go -- only AFTER the attending nurse decided to plug me with an IV. In the hand first...only to find the vein collapsed b/c that's where they took blood, but he made sure he poked me a good 8 times and bent the tube in my hand before he decided to go to my arm to insert the IV. That was one of the most horrific pains. I hate that dude! I didn't even need the IV. The docs at the hospital were all pretty 'pro ectopic pregnancy' for my results, but the OB's doc doesn't see any signs leading him to start operating on me.

If my symptoms stay the same for the next few days, I go back in to the OB on Mon/Tues, else, i might get my period, else, I might get severe heavy bleeding, else -- whatever... Who knows.

We will see. 

What the ?!?!?!

Holy shit. What a friggen emotional whirlwind I've gone through the past 2.5 hours.

7pm - OB/GYN Appt

I tell the doc my issues. Cramps, lighting crotch going on, slightly dizzy at times, ovary hurts when I touch it.

Doc goes in and feels around, it's uncomfy but bearable. She doesn't find anything significant.

Doc sets me up for an 'intra' uterine ultrasound. Not the most fun I've ever had. I've been through these before when I had ovarian cysts rupture. Now that's an unbearable pain.

Did a urine test. - Everything is NEGATIVE, I'm healthy as a whistle. Pregnancy test? == Negativo!! Hells, I just did one yesterday on my own, and I could've told them that.

Got my finger pricked for some blood.

The ultrasound shows an abnormal amount of fluid behind my uterus, like, a lot. It's common to have 'some' when an ovarian cysts ruptures. But she says this is A LOT. She says it's most likely just the fluid from a big cyst still sitting around and it should get absorbed, and in a week or so, I should feel no pain. If I do, I just come back in for another checkup.

Perfect, I can live with that.

She says the other reason I could have fluid : Ectopic Pregnancy : I would have a POSITIVE pregnancy test, which I don't, and my hemoglobin levels would be around 6 signifying I have internal bleeding. But my hemoglobin levels are at 14 which is perfect. 

I leave the office -- relieved that it's just "nothing"

I'm in my car, driving away... I call Mike (yes, that's Mr.Moo) and I start telling him the results, then... I get THE CALL.

It's my OB.

OB: "Hey, I think I see a faint line on your pregnancy test and I think you may be pregnant..."

Me: "Um okay??" (thinking, HOLY FUCK!!!)

OB: "Can you turn around and come back so we can take some more blood?"

Me: "Um okay??" (thinking, How the hell am I going to drive back to the office, I'm shaking."

If I'm pregnant - does it means it's an ectopic pregnancy? Aren't I supposed to be in severe pain? Do I have to go to the hospital?? What the hell is wrong with me?!?!?!

I get back to the office and try to walk in as calmly as possible. I'm the only patient there. They are almost totally closed and locked up. I feel weird.

In a way, I'm kinda excited at the fact that I've charted pretty decently for the first time ever and got myself pregnant...but the whole knowing how potentially bad and life threatening the situation is I am flabbergasted.

They took a good amount of blood. Sending it to the labs tonight. All the nurses were talking about 'it's so early if she's pregnant'... what the HELL does that mean?! They continue "but it's only 4 weeks, how could she be?" --- dude, I have no clue what they are meaning to say...but I can eavesdrop like Holy Hell so they should really get a room!

They are taking my blood to do a pregnancy test. This will tell for SURE if I'm pregnant. I will know by 12pm, Tomorrow.

Here are the scenarios:

1 - I have an ovarian cyst that ruptured. A big one. The Pregnancy test -- was a fluke. I'm not pregnant. Good to go.

2 - I have an ovarian cyst that ruptured. A big one. The Pregnancy test -- was not a fluke. I'm pregnant. Good to go.

3 - I have no ovarian cyst that ruptured. I am having an ectopic pregnancy. I have to go to the hospital and have it 'taken care of' -- I'm not really sure of the procedure, but I hear if it's not done. I could die.

So for now, I wait. I was told to monitor my symptoms closely. If the pain gets a lot worse. Go to the hospital. If it shoots to my shoulder. Go to the hospital... get some surgery done.

If no pain, wait until 12pm tomorrow. Find out I'm pregnant or not. If I am, I got back in on Thursday to get my hormones checked. If they are rising since today's blood test, then most likely am having a normal pregnancy. If they aren't rising, then I need to go to the hospital... get some surgery done.

Fuck -- I'm a mess. :-(

Going to the doc today.

Ok. I give up. Today I was supposed to get my riod but there is no sign. I called my OB and scheduled a 7pm appt to figure out what all the ovary cramping is about.

So after work I have to rush home. It should take approx 1 hr to get there. Shave my sassquatch like legs and head back out the the doc just in time. I hate being late for appts. I feel the anxiety already.

where we at?

Ah well, not much has happened lately -- been having the cramping non-stop for the past 11 days. It seems like they aren't going away, but they are still bearable. Been sick for about a week with a head cold turn flu-like. Still trying to kick it. Backaches galore and major tiredness ... both of which I attribute to my illness.

I haven't gone to the doctor b/c I don't like taking prescriptions. I also don't like being misdiagnosed, which has seemed to happen to me much to frequently. My out-of-the-box thinking doctor has left the practice and decided to start her own up -- about an hour south of where I live. That's not really a big deal since she was originally located an hour north of me. I would always go out of my way to see her when something was wrong. She has never let me down. Only problem now is, her new practice hasn't opened and I have no way of getting in touch with her. I'm scared to find a new doctor at this point, but know it has to be done. ECK.

I haven't called my OB about the cramps yet b/c I'm waiting for my 'riod to show up first. That should be sometime this week. One of the 'charts' I'm using says 12/9 another says 12/11 and I'm saying 12/13. Ugh.

My temp is still up but not super high. 

I did the whole POAS (pee on a stick) maneuver 2x's. One at 9dpo and one today. Result = Negativo. I keep testing I think it's b/c of the cramps I've been having. Maybe I really do have an issue with my equipment. I'm too scared to get it checked out. 

Mr.Moo and I are really striving for a pregnancy between Dec-March. 

Right now it seems 1st Cycle - no luck.

I've got boogies

Yum.

Today is going to be hard.

I am still tired. My eyes are heavy. I'm feeling very bloated and none of my pants fit. I'm still the same weight and the three lbs I thought I gained a few days ago have disappeared from the scale.

Supposed to go to an indian buffet for lunch. I think I might bust a button open on my jeans to digest lol.

After work I'm going to see a movie. I want to stay awake for it.  We will see. Might need MrMoo to pick me up and drive me home again. Poor guy.

I really can't focus at work, its a good thing the mgrs are in training for the next 3 days.

screw it...

I'm not charting my CM anymore except on days that I know it's Peak -- ugh. I can't tell what is going on down there, and I think I need more options to select from on the software I am using to chart. So for now assuming I O'd on 11/27 I am 5dpo -- I still have cramping - d'oh -- and my temp shot up -- Hmmmfffff -- I have no idea what my chart is telling me and if it's even accurate . I am getting frustrated --

My Chart:

tired as hell

is it  just me? 

I think i'm thinking way toooo into this whole getting pregnant thing. I don't want to get my hopes up this month...

Anyway -- went to dentist today. Got a filling (argh) -- lots of pain. Took 2000mg Tylenol extra Strength Rapid Release, all the pain went away but it didn't take away any of my cramping pain. Weird. But it's bearable anyway.

Was very tired at work, went to the ladies room just to get some time to sit and try and doze off for a few minutes. I know it sounds weird, but it's better than someone walking by and seeing you sleeping on your desk. LOL.

Mr.Moo picked me up from work today b/c I was too tired to drive. 

Came home and napped. 

I have heart burn and my boobs itch -- what's up with that - I really think it's too early for me to have any PG signs since I don't really know when I O'd anyway. And if it was on the 14th, I don't think we BD'd enough to be successful on conceiving. I think I'm just really in tune with everything my body is feeling... Yeah, that's it.

Well, I am going to bed now, super tired. Peace out.

Cramps

They aren't going away. I really feel as if I have or will be getting my 'riod any minute. I run to the bathroom tampon in hand. But there's nothing.

The cramps have been getting stronger but not unbearable. Its exactly like 'riod cramps so I don't get it.

Waaaaaah.

TCOYF

I read the entire book in 3 days. It was so interesting!!
I recommend that book for EVERY woman, whether or not they are planning on getting pregnant. It's a great way to learn about natural birth control. You just learn to read your body, you know when you are fertile and when you are not. Abstain or take extra precautions during your fertile time, and your non-fertile time, well, no worries!

my 'O' symptoms?

I don't know the exact date that I ovulated according to my chart below. It looks like anywhere between the 14th and 16th day of my cycle.

From what I've read, the rhythm method suggest that most ppl ovulate on day 14 of their cycle. Per the TCOYF book, it's not true. Everyone's body is different, and so you have to read the signs to see when you are most fertile.

Ironically for me, it seems the 14th day of my cycle (or maybe the 15th even) was the day I ovulated...

So with that in mind, here are my symptoms (dpo = days post ovulation)

1 dpo - I had some slight pinching in my left ovary.

2 dpo - cramping on left side at night. Had a metallic taste in my mouth (maybe it was my filling?)

3 dpo - medium intensity period like pains, a little bit of a head cold and runny nose, headaches, a little dizzy, and I gained 3 lbs :-( waaaaaah!

(I think maybe it's even a little too early to tell if I really Ovulated b/c this is my first chart, and there aren't many temps recorded yet... We shall see)

It kinda feels like the type of cramps I get the day before or of my period. Is it PMS? Being that I gained 3 lbs and all (I usually gain about 2lbs a few days before my 'riod). Or maybe it was Thanksgiving dinner LOL

I have only been charting this month. I know that my last cycle was 26 days, so if we are staying with that length right now, it would mean my period isn't due for another 9 days. I don't usually get cramping this early.

Maybe it's ovulation pain? I read that when you ovulate you can have cramps/pain in your ovaries. I mainly feel it on the left side. Even when I get my 'riod, I always feel pain on the left, nothing really on the right.

Most likely, it's just that I'm paying closer attention to my body that I noticing every little thing that's happening to it now...

Keeping with my over-analytical personality -- i just hope there's nothing wrong with my equipment. LOL

This is my chart...

To those of you who don't know what this is all about - I can explain what I know so far. It's taken me awhile to figure it out.
This chart starts on the first day of my period.
The dotted line shows my basal body temp (BBT).
On the left in the CM row -- the first 5 boxes are RED, indicating I have my 'riod. The other things in that column (-, S,C,E,W,-) indicate my CM. (cervical mucus, YUM!).
The HEARTS in the DAY row indicate the days of my cycle that we BD'd.
BD row shows what time of day we 'did it'
Meds - the X shows when I took my prenatal vitamins.
The 01/02 show my symptoms.

According to what I've read. When your BBT goes up significantly during your cycle, you either Are, Have, or will be ovulating, so it's a fertile time. Your fertile time also is noted by how your CM is. When it's like eggwhites, stretchy, wet...etc... you are fertile. These are the 2 methods I use to determine the most likely times to get pregnant. The other is your cervic positioning, and even though I read about figuring it out, I don't think I am ready to get all up in there just yet. LOL

So that's it... I will probably post my chart every week or so. But in the meantime, here is a linky to my fertility chart .

too clueless to think of a title.

After looking online about determining when we would be due should we happen to conceive during this cycle, I told Mr.Moo. He was a little disappointed b/c he thought it would happen later (labor that is).

So to him it seemed it would interfere too much with my family reunion in Hawaii. So, he decided (not to tell me that night after we were in bed and I was ready to go at it) that he didn't want to get pregnant this month.

Perfect timing -- *sigh* -- I have been getting my hopes up just to start trying and they were shot down. I felt rejected. I do want to go to Hawaii, but it's not like we'll never be able to go if for some reason we couldn't fly while we were pregnant. The majority of my family is out there, so we would be having so many more opportunities to go during our lifetime. Alas, there was no winning to be had on either side of the conversation.

I went to bed disappointed, and so did he. But we seemed to agree that we would start trying again sometime in December. That's okay with me, we had originally planned to start TTC in Jan/Feb 2009 anyway.

This morning I woke up and apologized to Mr.Moo in case I had made him feel guilty or bad for changing his mind about TTCing this month. Then he started getting frisky. I went with it, just knowing that he would probably pull out or whatever so we didn't risk getting preg. Alas, -- he didn't. I was a little confused. I asked him why he did that and he said... "because we're trying."

He's messing with my head! AHHHH

I took my Basal Temp (96.66) - WOOO 1 whole hundreth of a degree higher than the last few days. Does this mean it's going up? I didn't ovulate today. I can tell. My CM (cervical mucus - friends of mine, sorry if TMI again) is not to the prime stage yet, but it's getting there. I also took an OPT (Ovulation Predictor Test) and it was neg. (4 for 4).

I have been reading TCOYF (Taking Charge of your Fertility) and I am most definately going to follow the FAM (Fertility Awareness Method) to get pregnant and to not get pregnant in the future.

It's amazing to read. Things I didn't even consider!! For example. Men are fertile everyday from puberty to death, whilst women are only fertile for a short few days. So why is it that Women have a long ass list of birth controls and men only have 3??

For Women: Tubal Ligation, Implanon, Depo-Provera, The Pill, The Patch, IUD (intrauterine device), Nuvaring, Diaphragm, Cervical Cap, Sponge, Female Condom, Suppositories, Spermicides, Natural Methods

For Men: Vasectomy, Condom, Withdrawal

If you think about it, there are so many side effects to the Pill alone that women may experience, and I really don't see the need if you can really break down your fertile phase to a few days -- just abstain! Or have the 'man' use a condom or something. I don't think I will ever go back to using any of the chemical birthcontrol methods ever again.

I honestly thought that women could get pregnant at any time, I never thought it was only a few days. Really. No egg, no possibility of getting pregnant. DUH!

This book is truly eye-opening and easy to read as the writer has an awesome sense of humor. :-)


P.S.: I think Mr.Moo messing with my head has really had an effect on me today because:
- I spilled a Full glass of orange juice on the carpet today - it was pretty horrific.
- I spilled a Full glass of water on the carpet today while trying to clean up the orange juice mess
- I spilled a bottle of Coke while trying to pour myself a glass
- I spilled an entire box of Wheat Thins on the floor

I don't know what's happening, but I don't like it. I've already been told I'm not allowed to eat or drink in any carpeted areas... waaaaaahhhh.

I bought it!

Due to some recommendations from friends and a fellow blogger - I went to heaven (AKA, Barnes & Noble) and bought 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility'.

I honestly did not expect it to be as big of a book as it is. It also came with some software to help charting. I put all my info in, and FINALLY I got some info that matched some other stuff I got, So I am going by this book!

Tomorrow I am 'supposed' to ovulate. I can definitely see feel signs. I never realized that all the changes happening to me were natural and supposed to happen. I thought, maybe it was my diet? I used to make excuses for everything. D'oh.

BDing has not been easy. You see... we have the habit of coming home from work late. I get home around 7 and he is usually in before 7:30. Then we eat, separately from each other. I am picky. We don't cook b/c we are too tired an lazy to. So usually we eat leftovers from dining out, or our lunches, or cereal etc... During our random meal time we chat, sort through mail and talk about our plans for the house, getting pregnant, and the upcoming holidays. About an hour later, we move on to reading books, or browsing the web (and for me -- blogging and stalking other blogs). I am usually attached to my computer on the couch with the TV on in the background until about 11:30pm. At which time I am dead tired.

We talk about how we will BD - it's not a CHORE. We like doing it. It's actually a friggen awesome experience every time (TMI?). But by the time I get to bed he is either asleep or too tired. And the convo goes something like this (beware, maybe a little too much for some)

Me: "Let's have sex"

Him: "Okay."

Me: "Okay, but, I don't feel like moving." (hint hint)

Him: "Neither do I" (hint hint)

Me: "Can't you just JO and then finish inside me?"

Him: "Why don't you do it for me?"

Me: "If I could snap your penis off afterwards I would, because I don't really feel like moving my body."

Him: "heh" *cringe*

Me: "We're lazy."

Him: "Yeah we are."

Me: *snore*

Him: *SNORE*

Last night, since we just fell asleep, we agreed to try and go to bed early tonight so we wouldn't be so tired. It's already a quarter to 10 and he's asleep on the couch. Me, -- well I don't feel like moving once again. But now is my fertile time so I will get to it. He will be happy b/c he likes it when he can just sit back, relax, and enjoy it. Fine, he deserves it. He did all the dishes tonight. (Lucky Me!)

I checked the TCOYF (taking care of your fertility) planner and it says that if we conceive this week, our due date would be around August 19th, 2009. Aye! A summer baby?! I hear that's rough. LOL. Whatev -- I will just be happy to get pregnant at any point.

Wait, I think I just inspired myself to BD tonight by writing this entry -- even if I am the only one getting a workout.

So, off I go. WOO HOO!!!

So what's new...

Not much really.

Friends of ours became pregnant about 11 weeks ago, just found out some bad news about the baby, but are seeking a 2nd opinion. The baby might have downs. I can't imagine what they are going through right now. I don't know what they believe or what options they have... I am keeping my fingers crossed for them that no matter what happens, they will get through it.

Mr. Moo and I have started trying this month. Who knows when is the right time...b/c every site and every book I read tells me a different time of the cycle is the fertile time, so we are just going to go at it every other day until December. How weird it is to have that little tidbit of our lives out on the net... but it is what it is.

We don't know what we are really doing, so the more days, the more chances, eh?

I have been telling ppl that we may try sometime next year, (end of Jan, or sometime in Feb or maybe even in August after our reunion in HI).

So, my sister-in-law mentioned that if we get preg in Jan/Feb, they will start trying for #2 in September, so we can have kids close in age - I thought that was funny. I think b/c having children puts you into a kind of clique. It's just weird.

Anyway, I've been trying the basal temp monitoring, and my temp is down around 97 degrees everyday. With a regular thermometer, my temp is usually around 99-101 -- so it's strange seeing such low numbers. I'm not sure what the basal temp signifies, but i'm keeping track until I finally decide to be interested enough to look it up.

Mr.Moo also picked up an ovulation testing kit. They look like pregnancy tests that you P on. You're supposed to do one a day for 7 days, and when it comes out positive, you are fertile. Gotta get to it, b/c you only have 24-36 hours to get PG.

LOL --

I will start them today.

I think this whole getting preg thing is just something to keep me from being bored at the moment, b/c I still don't feel I will get pg right away -- so for now, i go through the motions.

Fun times!!

Oh ... a little caught off guard...

I've decided to start charting.

I am learning how to do it by reading online...

So my 'riod came last night around 4pm. Perfect timing, I had just bought a calendar to start logging everything in. My first cycle. Now I guess 14 days from Yesterday is my most fertile day (O for Ovulating) -- That would be 11/27.

They say to BD (baby dance, have sex, whateva) 5 days before, the day of and the day after. I guess it's a 6 day fertile window.

You only ovulate for 24 hours but spermies can live for up to 5 days, that's why trying before gives you a higher chance of getting pregnant.

Mr.Moo and I had agreed to start TTC on Jan 1ish -- but turns out that's after my O date per our current cycle schedule. So technically, we'd have to do it either the end of Dec or the end of Jan...

Instead, he has said -- let's get started this month -- for his bday (since it's on the 30th -- 1 month ahead of schedule. I'm okay with that - If we wind up getting pregnant, then I will be in 8+ months pregnant flying and I don't think we'd be able to go to Hawaii. But for some reason, I'm not sure I got this cycle scheduling thing ddown yet -- so I don't 'expect' to get PG this month -- we'll try anyway . ;-)

I'm Psyched...

my siggy

So I noticed on justmommies.com that everyone has these cute little digital scrapbooking type signatures...

I am a lover of digital scrapbooking -- so I jumped at the chance to design my own.

(Side note: "moobooty" is my Screen name on most of the family planning type sites)

Yikes!!

I was wondering why one of the topics I posted about never showed up here.

I found out where it was. It was on my social page that my friends visit for upcoming events. YIKES!

The only reason I found out is b/c a friend posted a comment and I got an email notification about it.

At least it wasn't a super personal post like the others on here --

Anyway... I deleted that post immediately!

From what I remember it was something about:

I planned to stay home and surprise Mr.Moo with a day of cleaning -- for him to come home and be wow'd only to wake up and realize he had also decided to take the day off. I can't clean with him around. Thoughts start racing through my head. I start to over-analyze things to the point where I'll think something like... "He's going to think the only reason I'm cleaning is b/c he bugged me about it, so fock it, I'm not gonna do it." ...

Ugh -- also, I cleared out 1/2 my closet, a couple thousand dollars worth of clothing that I'm just going to dump into a donation bin. I could EBay, I could go to salvation army and get a write up for the a semi-not-really-true cost and get a great tax write off, but instead, I will just take the $300 write-off I can get away with without having a receipt.

Anyway, 1 full day of cleaning = 1 closet cleaned.

(if you saw the closet, you'd understand why it took so long)


*update, I've removed some posts -- not gonna happen again*

How Bitchy Am I??

You Are 40% Bitchy

You're a pretty sweet person, and you're definitely not prone to bitchy outbursts. Sometimes, though, you can't help thinking mean thoughts about people. But at least you don't act on them!

How Bitchy Are You?

Yeah, that's definitely me.

This seems a little weird ...

I just joined Just Mommies website. It's weird to think about this next stage in my life.

I've been thinking more cynically lately... I think I fear getting my hopes up only to have my expectations set too high to achieve. Realistically, anything can happen. I can't just start thinking the worst. I mean, we haven't even started trying yet.

Have you ever been at a point in your life when things were just going so well, almost too good? Then the next thing you know, a big upset occurs?

Well that's where I am now -- things are really good.

What goes up, must come down --

I need to start having more positive thoughts -- so send me yours via the airwaves!! lol

I am also going to make a commitment to not read the pregnancy 'loss' boards until there is a time I really need to be... I do not feel I could help those people by commenting on their posts, being someone who's never been PG, and someone who's never really lost anyone close. I can't even imagine what they are going through, so to console - just doesn't seem right.

Does that seem selfish?

witches brew...

it seems we have ourselves a dry spell here. (how'd you like that pun, huh huh?!)

Let me start by saying -- this blog -- i really don't hold back, so if you don't want to know 'all about me' and my issues, don't read on... b/c it can get personal.

Now...back to the matter.

Mr. Moo and I haven't had sex since our honeymoon.
Seriously, the last time we did it, we were in another country. How pathetic does that sound.

My interpretation of the situation is that he doesn't want to have sex now for fear that we may get pregnant before our planned TTC time (which is Jan 1, 2009).

I think the chances of us getting pregnant in the next month and a half, are slim. First of all, we aren't even sure we can have kids. You don't know until you try...and try -- we haven't.

Secondly, there isn't a HUGE window of time to get pregnant, if you are not trying to. Unless we are having sex everyday, I can't imagine us getting lucky enough to get pregnant on our first few trys.

And what the hell -- why can't he just 'pull-out' -- we've been using that method for about 2 years now -- the only times I went on b/c pills was to change my schedule (eg, making sure I didn't get AF (aunt flo) on my wedding day or honeymoon).

My diet is poor - from vegetarian to non-veg. Chances even more slim.
I'm beat, tired, and totally stressed out due to work, and just getting over all that is planning and executing a wedding & reception. My body - is not ready.

I don't think he understands what it takes to make a baby... but until he 'reads' something, he won't believe it anyway. To get him to read a book now - i'm not so sure he is interested. But that's okay, b/c I know he will read when it's time. (he's good like that).

Foreplay has been an issue lately -- let me just say, I had some dental work done recently, and b/c I have fibromyalgia, I've been extra sore lately. He keeps 'hinting' (which is odd for a man), that he really likes it when I go down on him, and that I should play with 'it' more often. I can't though, so I don't want to get his hopes up so I 'hint' to him and tell him by saying, ' unless you want me to chomp down on you when my jaw gets tired, i don't think it's a good idea'.

Well -- I guess it would also help if I shaved. It's been awhile. I think one of the joys of winter is wearing pants and not having your bare legs on display -- I am free from my frequent razor burn tribulation and it keeps me warm. What the hell, it IS almost winter.

Anyway -- I don't want to get into the habit that we only have sex when we want to make babies. That makes the lovin' so much less enjoyable.

As I write this, I'm not horny -- I just happen to be watching 'The Pickup Artist 2' on tv right now, and I got to watch random geeky guys, via video-night-vision, grope a sexologist in a pitch black room... it was weird -- but somehow - it made me think of Mr. Moo.

why

did my header image disappear?! poop!

If...

we could have it our way. Remoo (younger sis) and I would TTC at the same time. Get pregnant at the same time. Give birth at the same time. Live next door to each other and have our kids grow up to be best friends...

We/I always thought that's how it would be... obviously, due to the fact that she isn't even married yet, I'm not so sure we could get on the same schedule.

However, that's not the only reason. I didn't even think about the what-ifs.

What if one of us got pregnant and the other couldn't. Or what if one of us got pregnant and so did the other but one of us miscarried. I think it would be so hard for both of us to be happy for each other when one experiences a failed pregnancy or attempt. :-(

I need to stop reading the 'TTC after a loss' boards on thebump.com

Acronyms Everywhere...!!!

I don't get it!! I've been reading blogs of ppl from theknot.com that moved to thenest.com that moved to thebump.com and all i see are acronyms everywhere.

What the hell is CBEFM?!



*update* - just discovered it means "Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor" -- geez

Woo hoo!!

First off, let me start by saying that my younger sis, has NO idea about this site.

That being said ---

I know something she doesn't know -- nanny nanny poo poo!!!

Her beau asked my pops for her hand in marriage, and my pops said yes (or something like that Lol)

Anyway, Nov 7th is the day he will pop the question. Let's all guess what her response will be!

I can't believe, done with one wedding and onto the next!!

I will try my best to keep my thoughts to myself as they plan, b/c I know how annoying it could be to have someone in your face telling you the 'right' way to do it.

But -- i've offered her the backyard of our future house as a reception location!! Though, I think Hawaii 2009 would be PERFECT too!!!

For those of you that know her --- shhhhhh!

It's a surprise!!!