eck.

The past few days, I was hoping for the bleeding to slow down and it all to end ... That hasn't happened yet, but then again, maybe I just had high-expectations.

Each day the pains get worse and the bleeding gets heavier. I was told there was a possibility that they wouldn't get everything out during the D&C. They showed me the procedure and what they had to do, and how you really can't tell when you're in there b/c the opening is sooo small. However, most likely, they got the most of it. Still... if there is any little bit left 'attached', the uterus will contract until it's gone. So...that's what I've been feeling lately.

I have heavy period cramps most of the day and then I get the contractions randomly. They kinda leave me breathing heavy and slightly moaning. It's embarrassing at work, but when I get them, I don't even care what people think of me. I just need to get through them. I know there are worse things, but for me, this is it right now.

Last night it finally hit me. Emotionally. I was in bed and Mike was there too. He was on his computer and I just kinda curled up into a ball and faced the other way. I started crying and couldn't stop, and I didn't want him to see/hear me crying... I felt -- like I just have to get through this, somehow. I need to deal with it, I can't deny what happened.

The past few days I kept thinking of the positives of the situation...that it happened early. That there was no developed fetus. That I didn't have an ectopic. That we managed to get pregnant on our first try.

I was proud of myself for how well I was handling things. Dealing with people face to face... But I just broke down... At least it was in the privacy of my own home.

On a recent trip to Barnes & Noble I saw the family planning section, I had to put my head down and not look. I said to myself..."I have no reason to look there anymore." I haven't really been on the JustMommies.com site, b/c I feel weird. I visited once recently and I was on the August 2009 Due Date Club message board... I saw another person on their say their goodbyes to the board b/c they were having a D&C. I was sad and cried for her.

I am home today. I am sad. I am uncomfortable. I think I'm 'depressed'. It's a funk -- I hope to get through it in time, but I think the only way is to just mourn...

Sorry if this is all dreary... I just needed to get it out.