finally!!!

On Wednesday, I stayed home from work, the cramps and contractions were at their height.

On Thursday, I went back to work, had a lot of bleeding and lots of clots too. It was really gross. I had cramping throughout the day... it wasn't fun, but it was better than Wednesday. I didn't have any contractions. I went to the bathroom before I left work and (this is way TMI and kinda gross) ... A huge clot came out. It was gross. It wasn't just blod clots, it was tissue. I just stared at it and wondered, "is that what remained of my baby?" ... I just stared, then I flushed it. And I just stood in the stall with a blank mind. I was sad. This was the night that I went to get my hair chopped off too.

When I got home later that night, I noticed all the bleeding seemed to slow down.

Yesterday, I had no bleeding at all. No tinge of color, nothing. No cramps. I think the clots were all that was left and I think the contractions help 'release' them.

YAY!! I think it's all over. I'm ready to heal, physically. 1 more week still till the hubby and I can do anything. It's really killer. B/C I think you always want sex more when you can't have it. LOL

I think I might be a little scared when we start going back at it, b/c I don't want to get pregnant. I'm not sure if we can... I know the uterine lining(wall) needs to thicken up first. I don't know how long that takes or how 'thin' mine is. My checkup is this coming Wednesday. I hope to know all I need to know then. (probably won't though LOL)

So - it's over. Finally!

Chop Chop!!

I've been wanting to do something 'different' with my hair lately. I think it's because I need something to take me away from what I've been through. A change.
So, early in the week I made an appt to meet with my stylist and get a cut. I gave myself a few days to figure out what I wanted to do and made my appt for today...

A hair cut to some people may not be a big deal, but the last time I had short hair was 18 years ago. I was 10 -- it was the first time I ever had my hair cut. It was past my butt... Very long. So long it got in the way when going to the potty. (TMI?) lol. My mom decided it was the best time to cut my hair b/c we were planning a trip to Hawaii. Our first family reunion. I didn't approve of the cut, but I wasn't devastated by the result either. My hair was up to my chin. It was a cute bob.

Anyway...

At work I have a mirror on my desk, and I was sooo bad today b/c all I did was look at myself in it... ALL DAY.

My hair is long. It's more than halfway down my back. I knew the short cut would make an impact but, was I 100% sure I wanted to do it?? No...

A co-worker mentioned I should donate to Locks of Love, but there was no way I could commit to 12 inches!! Maybe 9 I could... I measured off 9 inches with a ruler... it was perfect, right below my shoulder like I was thinking.

As the day progressed I decided I might not want to cut my hair... not a lot at least, maybe 3 inches to rid myself of the bottom most layer.

Along came appt time and I was unsure of what to do, I figured my stylist would help me figure that out. I told her my options and she said we could discuss before committing, obviously.

So, we talked about it, decided I was just going to cut off 3 inches and freshen up my look. It was too long and the layers had grown out. It was a lot to manage and blowdrying it (which I do EVERY day) takes about 40 minutes.., it's tiring.

She washed my hair and sat me back down in the styling chair. I started telling her how I always wanted to donate to Locks of Love but 12 inches was too much for me. Then she told me it's only 10 inches they require.

What?! I was contemplating 9 inches, what's 1 more?! So... I told her I'd do it.

She put my hair in a ponytail and chopped of 10 inches measured out...

My hair was wet -- but measuring out the 10 inches would be easier that way anyway. Unfortunately Locks of Love only accepts fully dry hair, so now I have to wait until mine dries out LOL.. s'all good.

I told my stylist my story about our pregnancy. She started to cry, I got choked up by her reaction. I told her I am not upset about cutting my hair, I believe there are worse things to worry about in life than hair that can just grow back. And I'd be doing a great thing for children who don't have any hair and can't afford to buy wigs. She continued to say how sorry she was, and I said Thanks, and that I understand that it's hard to think of what to say to someone and it's okay, she didn't have to keep saying she was sorry.

She was really touched by my story and what I was doing, but that's not what I was trying to do. I wasn't trying to get pity or to get recognition, I just wanted her to know 'why' i was doing it, and in a way, I wanted to let myself know. (if that makes sense)

So...
My hair is short in the back now. It rests right above the shoulder when dry... the front, however, is longer. When pulled straight (dry) it's about 1 inch below my shoulder. When you pull it into a ponytail to cut it off, it just so happens that the front is longer right away... so, we decided to take advantage of that and give myself a little bit of a less boring look. I have the angle going downward towards my chin... even though it's long, I like the look.. I feel more put together... or cleaner. I feel free.

Here are some photos:





Hair before (1.10.09)



Wet ponytail. 10inches (maybe more?)



Side view. (1.22.09)
I didn't think my hair was long enough for it to look this long after cutting 10" off.



Side view. Angled.




Back view:

A Visual

In case you were wondering ('cause I was)

The baby developed to about 5 1/2 weeks. Somewhere in between these 2 pics below...






The SAC grew to about 9 weeks - even though the 'baby' was smaller above.

eck.

The past few days, I was hoping for the bleeding to slow down and it all to end ... That hasn't happened yet, but then again, maybe I just had high-expectations.

Each day the pains get worse and the bleeding gets heavier. I was told there was a possibility that they wouldn't get everything out during the D&C. They showed me the procedure and what they had to do, and how you really can't tell when you're in there b/c the opening is sooo small. However, most likely, they got the most of it. Still... if there is any little bit left 'attached', the uterus will contract until it's gone. So...that's what I've been feeling lately.

I have heavy period cramps most of the day and then I get the contractions randomly. They kinda leave me breathing heavy and slightly moaning. It's embarrassing at work, but when I get them, I don't even care what people think of me. I just need to get through them. I know there are worse things, but for me, this is it right now.

Last night it finally hit me. Emotionally. I was in bed and Mike was there too. He was on his computer and I just kinda curled up into a ball and faced the other way. I started crying and couldn't stop, and I didn't want him to see/hear me crying... I felt -- like I just have to get through this, somehow. I need to deal with it, I can't deny what happened.

The past few days I kept thinking of the positives of the situation...that it happened early. That there was no developed fetus. That I didn't have an ectopic. That we managed to get pregnant on our first try.

I was proud of myself for how well I was handling things. Dealing with people face to face... But I just broke down... At least it was in the privacy of my own home.

On a recent trip to Barnes & Noble I saw the family planning section, I had to put my head down and not look. I said to myself..."I have no reason to look there anymore." I haven't really been on the JustMommies.com site, b/c I feel weird. I visited once recently and I was on the August 2009 Due Date Club message board... I saw another person on their say their goodbyes to the board b/c they were having a D&C. I was sad and cried for her.

I am home today. I am sad. I am uncomfortable. I think I'm 'depressed'. It's a funk -- I hope to get through it in time, but I think the only way is to just mourn...

Sorry if this is all dreary... I just needed to get it out.

P.S.

Mike knows about this blog. Has known for awhile now. Hasn't told me that he's known....

I found out b/c yesterday I told him I had a 'secret blog'...then he got a smirk on his face and said he knew. He knew b/c he was on my computer sending me a file I asked for and I had my FTP site up ... darn me for not remembering to shut it down, and darn him for being curious.

He read a bit, and then said he stopped b/c he felt like he was reading my private diary. Well, that was nice. 

But, knowing that he knows... is not going to make me blog any differently -- these are my thoughts... They are public, but not to those who have my other site... mainly most of my family and his and other friends of ours... just to a select few we know and whole bunch of strangers we don't.

I told him what I post here... and that I do talk about 'us'... 

S'all good... :-)

Back so soon??

Ok, cramps, contractions...all that fun stuff has left me for a bit. It's funny, I have these pains that leave me unable to move or think and then suddenly, I'm back to normal and feeling good. It's weird... At least it's temporary.

Anyway -- I wanted to update my resolution progress. 

1. start a new hobby and stick with it! A hobby for fun! 

Still looking for one that I think will hold my attention. I'm considering pottery. It's something I did before the wedding, and I stopped and didn't pick up again b/c I was skating and then I got married then got pregnant...but now -- there's no excuse... I want to do it again. Maybe handbuilding though.

2. get on etsy and make some extra cash.

This is going to be a hard one, but I will do it! I know I can. Polymer clay is my friend!

3. take more pictures

I guess I should add to this. Take more pics and then publish/write about them... I need to also find new topics besides my house, my hubby and my dog.

4. find a way to destress myself - lower the anxiety levels - and relax

#1 would help with this -- pottery is a stress reliever. Well, anything that requires intricate work with my hands. 

#5 might also help.

5. read 6 new books this year

Something that is going to get me really going with this is when Amazon releases the Kindle2 -- I am going to buy that sucker the second it's on the market.

6. write more letters to the child i'm sponsoring
I've been sponsoring Camilla since 2006. I have never sent her a photo of me or anyone, so I just sent her one with a letter. I will have to update my other site with her most recent photo, it's cute b/c she finally has a smile on her face ;-) 

7. send more cards. don't miss birthdays, thank you's, holidays.
I'm trying!!! Even if they are late, I'm still going to send them, damnit!!!

8. pay off my last credit card

Holy crap, as of today, I only have $400 debt left to my name!!! What the HELL?! How'd this happen?! It's weird. I have no debt, what is this...is this for real, this can't be true.... Oh, but it is!!!

9. save an extra $200 a month
The way my budgeting is now, I will be able to save an extra $800 -- don't ask me how... but I think I will at the least, up the $200 extra to $400. And the rest, we'll see what happens, maybe it'll go towards my new hobby.

10. complete 12 digiscrap pages this year.

Haven't gotten started on this one yet, however, a digiscrap session is in the works for February -- a get together with some gal pals to scrap all day. It's honestly the one female get together that consists of pure energized silence. LOL

Ok, seriously. My body is Fa-reeking out on this caffeine. I had a large Pepsi at the movies today, oh yeah, did I mention that.... Since I had my niece last night to today, I took her to see 'Hotel for Dogs' this morning before going to the ballet. It was good times. It's really awe-inspiring to see a 5 year old get teary-eyed and emotional while watching a movie. She was sad b/c the dogs were in the pound at one point and the pound people were mean! But the ending was a happy one, THANK GOD it's not like Marley & Me... she wouldn't be able to watch that one. 

Then... tonight, after the Ballet, me and the girls stopped at Pizzeria Uno / Chicago Bar & Grill thing and had some foodage -- I asked for a ginger-ale b/c of my stomach issues, but when I tasted it, it was just really off. I can't explain it... it was bad. It was like minty and spicy and peppery and gingerale-y.... so, I opted for a Coke instead. That shit is good!

It's almost 1 am. I'm tired...physically, but mentally I'm up. I think it's b/c since I did my budget and had a little bit of a freeing experience, I don't know what to bog my mind down with right now. It's a little unsatisfying to be debt free. I liked the challenge and watching my progression.

Weird.

I think I'm also a little anxious about tomorrow. My first day back to work since last Wednesday. My boss & 4 others I work with knew I was pregnant. Now, they all know I had a miscarriage. I don't know what's going to happen. How I'm going to react face-to-face with these people knowing. It's been pretty easy this weekend b/c I've been able to react via phone and internet with most people before seeing them face to face... 

There was this girl I worked with who had a miscarriage. I remember feeling sad for her. This was YEARS ago, before I was married ... before I even met Mike -- I started thinking that something must've been really off in her life, for this to happen for her. Not fate or anything like that, but I was thinking maybe it was stress... Turns out, she believed it was stress too. Stress of the job and her boss. She quit shortly after her miscarriage... 

Anyway, I think back to my feelings and thoughts about her and wonder what people are thinking about me. I shouldn't care, but... I dol, enough for it to make me anxious about tomorrow.

It's another day -- it will make me stronger -- I will get through it -- it will become the past.

Got my D&C 2 days ago.

Bled at the hospital a lot -- but not, a lot. If that makes sense. No clots or anything... 1 pad held up for awhile.

Went home, changed the pad - had no bleeding throughout the night at all -- nothing.

The next day, felt sooo good. No bleeding ALL DAY!!! So, Mike & I cleaned the entire bedroom. It took a whole day to do it, it's not perfect yet, but it's sooo much better than before.

Later that night, we went to his parent's house with my niece and chilled.

Today, started feeling crampy, felt some contractions going on...started to wonder if the doc got everything out -- had no clotting, didn't see any evidence of anything coming out. Had some bleeding today... overall, changed about 4 pads. Not bad for the whole day, but it's weird to have had 2 decent days then all of a sudden have the symptoms post-D&C start up. 

Maybe it's because of all the cleaning I did yesterday? Maybe I should've rested like everyone said. But, I was just feeling so good, that I wanted to take advantage of it and be productive. It's been so long since I cleaned, and not that I love it, but it had to be done! I even managed fitting in some vacuuming.

Today I went to see a ballet with my younger sis and a friend. It was a 'real' ballet. I have wanted to see one for YEARS but have never been able to find a ballet company performing locally. Or semi-locally. We went to NJPAC and saw Giselle performed by the Russian Ballet Company. It was great. They are reeeeally skilled dancers. I love the arts and need to bring it into my life more.

Okay, so that's my runon splurge of an update for today, I am having contractions now and and feeling nauscious and can't bare the pain, so signing off bye...

PS -- too much caffeine today, first time in months!

New Year's Resolutions...

1. start a new hobby and stick with it! A hobby for fun!
2. get on etsy and make some extra cash.
3. take more pictures
4. find a way to destress myself - lower the anxiety levels - and relax
5. read 6 new books this year
6. write more letters to the child i'm sponsoring
7. send more cards. don't miss birthdays, thank you's, holidays.
8. pay off my last credit card
9. save an extra $200 a month
10. complete 12 digiscrap pages this year.

I know some of these don't seem like much, but they really are. I have a habit of going gung-ho into a hobby and just stopping when I find something else to do or things get too hard. What I noticed this past year is that there is so much I want to do and not enough time to do everything. I need to do one thing at a time, and really dedicate some valuable time to it. I have a whole year to get things done. One step at a time.

I've paid off all my personal credit card debt, and I currently use 1 credit card for my own splurges. I have to pay it off for good this year and when I use it, pay it off immediately.

I have my own savings separate from Mike -- we both have our own savings... our finances are handled pretty well. His paycheck goes towards all the bills and into our joint savings. My paycheck gets split 3 ways. 1/3 for him, 1/3 for me, and 1/3 for the joint savings. We get to do what ever we want with our 1/3, but it also has to go towards paying for our own credit cards... we don't joint pay those, which I think is great.

He doesn't have much debt and always pays things on time. I let him pay the pills -- though we manage most of it online tracking it through google docs. It's awesome. Anyway, I will take $200 out of my 1/3 and put it into a separate savings account for rainy days. It's prob best to start that AFTER i pay off my credit card. LOL

12 digiscrap pages is A LOT - after this past year I think I only completed 3 or 4... yikers

I need to send more cards. I always plan on sending cards, this year I bought our Christmas cards, wrote them out and never addressed them or mailed them... now they are just sitting on my table. Maybe I should save them for this Christmas HA!

Thank yous -- seriously, I haven't finished sending out my TY's for my wedding which was in early October. I was told you have a year to do it -- but this is a little ridiculous now LOL...
It's hard for us, b/c we write long thank you's, not the simple, "Thanks for your generous gift".. thing.

Okay , so that's my list -- let's see how it goes.

Feelin' Good...

I know it sounds strange, but it feels strange too.

I am feeling really good right now.

I had my D&C today, scheduled for 12pm. I went in at 10:30am like they asked, then sat around until 1pm b/c the doc was running 1 hr behind. Turns out there was an emergency and she had to handle that first... understood. I just didn't like the fact that I had to sit around all that time having not eaten anything or drank anything since midnight the night before.

I really liked the facility at St Peters Hospital -- it's called CARES. It's a place where they do all same-day surgeries. They really take their time with you and make sure you're feeling okay the whole way through. The rooms pre-op and post-op were really nicely done. And everyone was really nice.

The anesthesiologist, nurse & surgeon (OB) saw me beforehand to go over everything they were going to do. I was going to be under general anesthesia so I wouldn't feel or remember anything. I was psyched. I love just going out and suddenly waking up with everything done...

I told the anesthesiologist my concerns -- that I was worried about the fact that I've been known to react to pain while under ... even though I don't remember the pain. Also I didn't want to react to the pain and remember... I was told to always voice my concerns with the anesthesiologist so they are more aware of particular things... He reassured me that it's rare that that happens, and it's usually in case with the elderly b/c they can't give them as much anesthesia or with people with heart or lung issues... And I didn't fall under that category. phew.

I was 'walked' into the Operating room. I found that weird, I'm usually wheeled in on a stretcher, but I think b/c it wasn't an emergency center, they didn't do that. I was okay with that.

So, after the operation, I thanked the anesthesiologist b/c he did a good job. LOL

My blood pressure when from 116/74 to 93/43 -- I was really cold, and i had some numbness in my hand where the put the IV in. They gave me extra fluids and I was feeling a lot better.

The surgery took about 30mins, the recovery was about 2 hours. I felt dizzy here and there, ate some crackers and had some apple juice. I was starving!

I was bleeding a bit, I felt it just coming out. It felt like a heavy period... I usually don't feel that, b/c I use tampons during my riod...but now I have to use pads... eck.

I was told the bleeding would prob only last 7 days with my case... So I'm glad to hear that.

The cramping is reeeeally slight... better than period cramping...

I am not feeling nauscious anymore but maybe that's b/c I skipped taking my prenatal vitamins last night and tonight... i hate them..

Overall, the experience went well.. we were told all that was there was fetal pole, sac and stuff...no fetus, no baby really there. The only life was in the cells... That reassured me and I am not depressed. I hate that we had to go through all we went through to get to where we are, but the D&C was actually a really decent procedure. I don't feel like anything changed except that I feel better generally speaking -- physical and mentally ... and I'm bleeding.

So, that's my experience... I hope I keep up the good spirits... I'm looking forward to planning our vaca and getting up to start cleaning the house. No cleaning has gone on for 2 months even admist all the holidays so our place is destroyed!!! LOL

Sad news...

Today was our follow up ultrasound.

When we got to the office they said since I was just scheduled for the ultrasound, I would not being seeing the doc to discuss. They told me the doc would call me with the results... great, more waiting.

The ultrasound tech called us in and I was happy to see that it was someone I've used before and who was very informative as she did scans... She never withheld info from me in the past, and I was hoping that it would be the same today.

We were lucky -- she told us everything, even some details from the last ultrasound even though she wasn't the one who did it.

She told us that 10 days ago, at my last ultrasound, we were measuring almost 6 weeks. They told me there was a slow heartbeat, but I forgot to ask how fast. This tech told me that they actually saw a faint flicker and couldn't measure the heartbeat b/c it was so faint if anything at all. Ugh.

As she started my scan, she told me everything she saw... and didn't see.
There was no heartbeat.
There was no growth. The embryo still measured at 6 weeks.
The sac is measuring at 8 weeks which is how far along I should be.
She measured everything multiple times and rechecked for the heartbeat... but there was nothing.

She checked my ovaries and everything else and she said everything seems to be fine.

The tech said that she might be able to get a doctor to see me to talk to me about my options, and she went out of her way to find someone that could. I was very happy with her efforts, it meant a lot to us.

When we were put in a room to wait for the doc, Mike was with me. The nurses aid came in and checked my blood pressure etc... Then, I looked over at Mike and signed for him to leave the room.

It was harder for me to deal with things with Mike there, looking at me. It made me just want to start crying hysterically. I tried so hard to conceal my tears, but just seeing him made me more sad... He left the room...

I waited in the room by myself for the doc to come in. I had only a little bit of tears welling up in my eyes, but then... the doctor walked in and said ... "I'm very very sorry about this." and that was the trigger... I could barely see b/c of all the tears... but I managed to get out... "It's okay, we are as prepared as we could've been for this... We're sad... but we are okay."

This doc was very very nice. Her bedside manner was great. She was very consoling... She told me that even though development stopped at 6 weeks, the sac continued to 8-9 weeks, and that having a natural miscarriage wouldn't be quick. It would be drawn out, very painful and bloody. B/C the sac is so big, it wouldn't come out all out once... and there was no predicting how long it could take. She said the pain alone is not something that many people opt to go through since it is very similar to labor pains... but they could last for days. Yikes... me and pain do not get along.

So -- we are scheduled for a D&C tomorrow. I don't know what time yet. I'm sooo scared.
I don't like hospitals. I hate them...
But, if I don't get it done tomorrow and I happen to have bleeding on my own over the weekend, I would have to go to the emergency room and have a rush procedure done. Rushes are never good. I like planned things. Still, I feel like this is all happening so fast.

I'm okay... I think I am at least. I understand the 'why' of everything. Still... I cry. I think it's just because we have to go through all this, I'm throwing myself a little pity party inside...

We will try again - we were successful in getting pregnant on our first attempt and I can only hope that we are successful again after all is said and done.

We were told to wait 3-4 months before trying again b/c the uterine lining needs to thicken up...
I assume they will also be checking my betas to make sure the decrease so I can get my period again. I was also told I will have bleeding for up to 2 weeks after the procedure. Doc says it could be a light stain or regular period like flow... but it's nothing compared to a having a natural miscarriage where the loss of blood is extreme. I can't even imagine...

I'm not really enjoying the fact that I still 'feel' pregnant. The nausea is random, my boobs are still really sore, I am unbelievably bloated...

On a lighter note -- Mike & I will now be able to attend our family reunion in Hawaii this July.

We are doing okay -- no worries... I just hate it when people say "sorry for your loss" b/c that is another tear kicker for me.

Po, we miss you.

Because... I don't know what else to say...

Today my boss was an ass. 

He sorta knows my situation. That I have some risk, some unknowns... 

I was out a few hours for a few days weeks ago when I was getting all the beta testing done. I let him know ahead of time. Yup.

So at one point he comes to me and tells me that I should really keep him informed as to what's going on so that he can vouch for me, b/c lots of people have been questioning where I've been. Keep in mind, I work from 8am-5pm, and he's RARELY ever in... When he IS in, it's usually after 10am. So what the hell?!

I let it go. I log my time to-the-minute. So if I am late 6 minutes, I note it.

Anyway, my boss has been out of the office the past 2 weeks... (the time between our last conversation and the present) 

His first day back was yesterday, and he was in today too...

Today I let my boss know that I would be out of the office Thursday morning for another appt. He told me I really need to keep him informed and how I should know that "people will continue to start wondering where you are".

I don't understand this statement. WHO is he talking to that is 'wondering where' I am?! NO ONE on my team is in the office before me most days, so who are they to question where I am?!

It just pisses me off...

So I tell him -- " I don't understand what that statement is supposed to mean..." 

And then there is dead air... and he says, "so, what are the doctors saying?"

They are saying, mind your own damn business, be professional and you'll gain some more respect from me. Just then, maybe you'll be worthy enough to earn some insite into my life.

Argh, I'm so angry.. I feel like typing this entry -- I didn't make any sense. 

oh well, it's just words.

Anyway... Thursday isn't getting here fast enough. 

I feel like the nausea is going away. My boobs still hurt...and once in awhile I'll have some cramping and some round ligament pain. I'm gassy and all -- my bathroom habits have been better and there has been no sign of the ominous hem's. So... I wait. And wonder... what is happening inside me. Is PO okay?! please Po... be okay. Please grow. Please stay with us... I am attached to you -- I don't want you to go... If you have to, I will understand... I really will... 'understand' that is. If you're a girl, we already have your name picked out. It's perfect and beautiful...and hard to keep a secret. If you're a boy... we have your name picked out too...

Today, I referred to my dog as my son. It was weird. 'my son'. 'my child'. 'my baby'. 'my Po'.

Last night...

Last night Mike had his company holiday party... The whole trying to find an outfit to wear process was horrendous. I had bought a shirt a few weeks ago and was planning to wear some black slacks.

When I put my shirt on yesterday, my boobs were way out in the open and I looked like a slut. My pants didn't fit. Waaahh!!

So I wound up going out to buy some black maternity slacks, I have to admit, they fit better than any other slacks I've every bought. Not so much the fit around the waist/hips, but the length. It was perfect. They fit throughout the legs just right too and they cost the same!

Niiiice.

I wound up wearing a top I've worn many times, why? Well, because it's a wrap shirt, so no matter my size I can wear it. It was snug around the waist, but didn't pull and I couldn't seem to cover my boobs. I wound up pinning in closed (as you can kinda see in the pic) ... I didn't realize how big my chest had gotten until I tried wearing some normal dress clothes of mine. I think, I'm an E cup now. I started out a 36DD (tmi?) -- I don't want to buy any more bra's yet... in case I keep growing. I really don't want to. :-(

I hopped on the scale last night. I'm up 1lb... so all this extra fluff has gotta be gas, man... it sucks.

Walking around a lot yesterday caused me to get really crampy and have some spotting... I really need to just chill. But I don't like staying inside... even on crappy snowy days like yesterday.

Anyway -- here's another photo of Mike's bro, his gf , me and Mike.


Looks like my head is growing too. - hot air??
(btw, see the 'splitting' of my shirt on top??) LOL!

Things have been good lately. I don't have every day cramping anymore. Today is prob the first time since last week. Haven't had any spotting either.

My stress level has been down ever since my last ultrasound. I guess its bc I feel I'm as prepared as I can be for either outcome at next thursdays ultrasound. Mike and I understand that if we m/c this early it is most likely due to chromosonal issues that wouldn't have made it viable regardless if there was anything the docs could give me. Of course we would prefer a healthy fetus. I fear the pain (mental/physical) of post m/c. If we were told next week that the pregnancy isn't viable I would have a D&C done to remove the tissue. I don't think I can handle the physical pain of a natural m/c bc of my fibromyalgia issues and from what I've been told, it can be a lenghty unpredictable process. The D&C would be quick. Not painless but compared to a natural m/c its nothing.

Anyway. That's where we stand now.

I've got lots of plans lined up this month to keep me busy I'm psyched for all of those!

Ultrasound Update...

Well, I had my first prenatal appt today. Had an ultrasound, Mike came in with me. He got to see the screen, I didn't. The nurse made it pretty obvious from the beginning that she was not going to be able to go over anything with me, and the doctor would discuss everything. Then she began... I felt weird. Just sitting there in silence while the ultrasound tech and Mike stared at the screen. I was the only one that couldn't see what was happening inside my own body. 

After the ultrasound, I was put in an exam room with Mike. I was told to get totally undressed b/c I was going to have a full physical and have all this blood taken for tests etc... since that is supposedly the norm for a first time New OB Visit. 

So, after I undressed and put my robe on, we sat and waited for the doc. It took him awhile to get to us, but when he did.... he entered andtold me to sit up, because I wasn't going to be having any of the testing or examining done today. I started to feel a little strange, thinking something is wrong...

The doc then proceeded to tell me, that when they did the ultrasound, they saw a heartbeat, but it's very slow. (I didn't ask how fast, b/c I was just a little out of sorts after he said that)... then he said I'm not measuring where I should be. According to when my last period was, I should be about 7 weeks. However, I'm measuring at about 5.5 weeks. The last time I got measured I was 5.5weeks measuring 4.5 weeks. So I was about 7 days behind... Now, I'm 10 days behind... Ugh.

I was told 7 day lag is usually the limit for any concern, anything over it is cause for concern.

The doc suggested that I just might not be as far along as they would assume, which is sometimes normal, dependent usually on how regular my cycle is. Or, there is a possibility that I am on my way to a miscarry. My doc was very personable and seemed concerned for me, which I thought was nice, considering he is the first male gyno I have ever been to... I thought they would be more cold and standoffish.

So he suggested that I come back in a week for another ultrasound that should tell us where we are more precisely... My next appt is in 10 days. Between now and then I just hope that Po stays healthy and where he should be and grows!!

Today, I plan to work from home, b/c there are points where I just feel like bawling, and my concentration is a bit off... I don't think I could deal with being around a lot of people today.

I will try and keep positive thoughts until next week --